Skip to content

What is a Conservative?

Most people think of the Republican party as being made up of evangelicals and fiscal conservatives, held together by AM radio and Fox News. Never mind that when Republicans were in power they spent money like drunken sailors while not accomplishing much in their social agenda (and even going backwards on gay rights). But at least they pretended to be social and fiscal conservatives.

But a strange thing happened on the way to this election. If you’re like me, you’ve noticed that Trump is winning more evangelical votes than Cruz (even though he has obviously never even glanced at the bible), and he wants to run up even more deficits building big walls and starting even more wars in the middle east.

So what do Republicans stand for anymore? And what does it mean to be a conservative? An interesting opinion piece by Leonard Pitts Jr. asks that question, and concludes that conservatives don’t really stand for anything other than a mood. And that mood is “surly, nasty and put-upon”.

Conservatives were always happy to attack liberals, but Reagan’s 11th commandment required “Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican”. Even that seems to have gone down the toilet, as Republicans seem to be “feuding with a bitterness and constancy that would make even the Hatfields and McCoys tell them to tone it down.”

And the party that used to complain about the “culture of victimization” now whines incessantly “about how they are victims of biased media, bullying gays and political correctness.”

Remember when George H. W. Bush chastized “The Simpsons” for violating decency and “family values”? Now they have candidates who make penis jokes.

After badly losing the last presidential election, the Republicans briefly did some introspection and decided that they needed a gentler tone and more inclusiveness toward minorities. Does that include calling Mexicans criminals, drug dealers, and rapists, and passing laws whose purpose is to disenfranchise blacks?

They should not have ignored their own advice. “On the other hand, when your base is the Ku Klux Klan, Ted Nugent and people sucker-punching strangers at rallies, it’s a sign that a little self-reflection is overdue.”

Share

Al Franken Entertains

Every since Al Franken was elected to the Senate, he has tried to distance himself from his past job as a comedian. Until about a week ago, when he spoke at a Roast and got some of his chops back, mostly at the expense of Ted Cruz (whom Franken described as “the lovechild of Joe McCarthy and Dracula”).

But the line that brought the house down was: “Cruz can be really hard to get along with, but I understand that in a couple weeks he’s planning to launch a charm offensive. He’s having a little trouble with the charm part but he’s got the offensive part down cold.”

There are lots of other good lines, especially near the end. You can watch an edited version of the Roast, with jokes intact, here:

Speaking of making fun of Ted Cruz, after repeatedly saying rude things about “New York values”, New York paid him back in kind. Cruz finished fourth in the state, behind Ben Carson, who dropped over a month ago. Cruz received no delegates in the primary.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“I saw that Bill Clinton was in the Bronx campaigning for Hillary yesterday, and visited the ‘Hebrew Home for the Aging’. While Hillary actually went there to drop off Bernie Sanders.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let’s face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart.” – Seth Meyers

“The cast of ABC’s ‘Scandal’ is set to appear at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton later this month. Unless she loses in New York, in which case she’d like to speak with the folks at ‘How to Get Away With Murder’.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s come out that President Obama has been allowed to see special advance episodes of the new season of ‘Game of Thrones’. Obama says he watches ‘Game of Thrones’ to remember what it’s like to have reasonably sane people compete for leadership.” – Conan O’Brien

“House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race.” – Seth Meyers

“In a recent interview, Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, said Donald Trump’s nasty tweet about her looks did not impact her. Heidi Cruz said, ‘Part of my marriage vow to Ted was to give up all human feeling.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to some analysts, Donald Trump’s support is deeper than it looks. Although others say Trump just took the support he has and combed it over to make it look better.” – Conan O’Brien

“John Kasich gave a 30-minute speech in New York City. Afterwards, the crowd applauded Kasich and then put $8.34 in his hat. “– Conan O’Brien

“Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, ‘Don’t use my name, ‘cuz I don’t want Jeb to find out.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The director of the CIA says that no matter who the next president is, the agency will not use waterboarding ever again. Instead, he’s come up with a new way to torture people: turn off the Wi-Fi when they visit their parents’ house.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share

Cutting out the Middlemen

Donald Trump’s popularity is largely based on one simple premise, that he is so rich he can’t be bought, so he will not be beholden to special interests and the lobbyists who run Washington. Trump has repeatedly claimed that he hates lobbyists and that they can’t influence him.

So why would anyone be surprised that Trump just hired a lobbyist to run his campaign? And of course, Trump hired one of the “best people” he is always talking about. He hired Paul Manafort. Manafort doesn’t lobby for just anyone. He specializes in being hired by corrupt dictators who want to gain influence in Washington.

Remember Ferdinand Marcos of the Philippines? His dictatorship was infamous for corruption, extravagance, and brutality, while ruling under martial law. His family plundered somewhere between 5 and 10 billion dollars (storing it in offshore bank accounts) by running up the Philippine national debt. His wife, Imelda Marcos, a former model and beauty queen, became famous for owning a collection of more than a thousand pairs of expensive shoes. And Marcos paid Manafort to keep the US government on his side.

Manafort also worked for a former dictator from the Ukraine, who was forced out of office. He also did work for Saudi Arabia, for a foreign president who was suspected of running a drug-smuggling operation, as well as an African rebel leader accused of torture. Anytime a corrupt foreign leader needs to buy off Washington politicians, Manafort is your go-to lobbyist.

As Bloomberg puts it “Trump just hired his next scandal“:

Trump has criticized both parties as selling out the U.S. to foreign interests. Now he is counting on a man who has represented many of them.

I guess if anyone is going to sell us out to foreign interests, Trump plans on doing it himself. I wonder what kind of shoes Melania likes?

Steve Benson
© Steve Benson

Share

Who’s Gaming the System?

Gary Varvel
© Gary Varvel

After gaming the political “game” any way he could for the last year, Donald Trump is complaining that the game is being rigged against him. Is he nuts? The GOP delegate rules haven’t changed recently, and Trump was just too lazy or stupid to pay any attention to them.

But an article by Nate Silver points out that Trump’s complaints are working. Recent polling shows that even though only 40% of Republicans want Trump to be the nominee, 62% agree with him that the candidate who gets the most pledged delegates should be the Republican nominee, even if that candidate doesn’t have a majority.

That’s right, a billionaire who has had his life handed to him on a silver platter has succeeded in painting himself as a victim and an underdog. The man who has lied and cheated throughout his whole life to get whatever he wanted is now calling the nomination rules “crooked”.

Should Trump be able to win with a plurality and not a majority? The GOP has required its nominees to receive a majority of delegate votes for 160 years, and during that time at least seven candidates have come into the Republican convention with a plurality of the delegates and yet failed to become the nominee.

Besides, given how polarizing Trump is, it is easy to surmise that a majority of voters do not want Trump to be the nominee. That’s why the rules are set up the way they are. If nobody gets a majority on the first vote, then candidates are supposed to drop out until someone gets a majority. And yet Trump claims that this would be tantamount to stealing the nomination from him.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“We’re just three days away from the big Democratic debate right here in New York. And both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have been busy campaigning throughout the city. Bernie even had some time to see the Broadway show ‘Hamilton’ with his wife. Though it got awkward when Bernie stood up and said, ‘I knew Alexander Hamilton! And you sir, are no Alexander Hamilton!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders and his wife, on Friday, saw the hit Broadway musical ‘Hamilton’. Sanders said afterwards, ‘That’s not how I remember it.'” – Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders visited Coney Island yesterday. And somehow, after he rode the roller coaster, his hair was neater.” – Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders said on Friday that his goal for financial reform is to ‘make banking boring again’. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, let’s just make elections boring again.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders won this weekend’s Wyoming caucus, which was his seventh win in a row over Hillary Clinton. Clinton said she’s still not worried. But it was hard to understand her through the wallet she was biting.” – Seth Meyers

“We are now four days away from Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders’ Thursday night debate in Brooklyn, which means Hillary’s already tried 600 different ways to ask, ‘Is Brooklyn in the house?'” – Seth Meyers

“A car owned by Hillary Clinton is up for sale. Like Hillary, the car has been hit from all sides and lately has been starting to stall.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hotel and casino tycoon Steve Wynn is under fire after he said, ‘Rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people.’ In related news, Donald Trump needs a new opening line for his inauguration speech.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s very upset lately about the election, or lack of an election, in Colorado. In Colorado, they don’t have a primary or a caucus because they’re too high to vote.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Colorado has a month-long process of local meetings where they just meet and choose the delegates. Somehow Ted Cruz made a clean sweep, he got all of them. So Trump criticized the process. Trump says the Republican Party is trying to slow his momentum by using what he called crooked shenanigans, which are the worst kind of shenanigans.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Why do I have a feeling if Donald Trump doesn’t win he’s going to sue all of us?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to reports, two of Donald Trump’s children will not be able to vote at New York’s primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz.” – Seth Meyers

“Sen. Lindsey Graham said in an interview last week that if he can support Ted Cruz, anybody can do it. You know it’s bad when your best endorsement sounds like a bad diet plan.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share

Why I Love Obama

Obama is in London, but that didn’t stop him from taking some time to remember Prince.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“Yesterday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced that he’s voting for Donald Trump in the upcoming New York primary. When asked why, Giuliani said, ‘Because if he wins, he’ll have to move to Washington.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump announced he’s changing up his campaign staff and adding a convention manager. Which is the most creative way I’ve heard someone describe the word ‘Bouncer’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, just gave birth last week and she’s already back on the campaign trail for her dad. Ivanka’s friends were like, ‘Shouldn’t you be with the baby?’ And Ivanka was like, ‘Yeah, I’m campaigning for him.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders said that he went to Boy Scout camp in New York. You can tell it was a while ago because Bernie Sanders didn’t learn how to make a fire at Boy Scout camp — he discovered fire.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share

The Only Good Reason to Not Care About Climate Change

Hey, we caused the problem, but you youngsters are going to have to deal with it. Ha!

Happy Earth Day!

Share

To Serve Mankind

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Are you as tired of this primary as I am? Can we stop now? Maybe I’ll just post comics for the next few months, would that be ok?

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“The presidential election has shifted its focus to New York. And a lot of candidates are already here campaigning. It’s the first time that the city that never sleeps is like, ‘Well, good night’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On the Republican side, I saw that Ted Cruz visited a matzah factory in Brooklyn. Of course, matzah is the unleavened bread that Jewish people eat for Passover, and Ted Cruz is the presidential candidate that New Yorkers will definitely pass over.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The New York primary is fast approaching and Ted Cruz today stopped in Brooklyn to tour a matzah bakery. But he still didn’t see as many crackers as Donald Trump does at his rallies.” – Seth Meyers

“After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments.” – Conan O’Brien

“John Kasich had to move his campaign event to a larger venue when he got more RSVPs than expected. Kasich said, ‘We had to move it from a toll booth to a Sunglass Hut.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Two dangerous mentally-ill men have escaped from a Washington state psychiatric hospital. They’re now the leading contenders in the Republican presidential race.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton was campaigning in New York today and actually visited Yankee Stadium. Bernie Sanders spent the entire day looking for the Brooklyn Dodgers. ‘They were here when I left! Where did they go? Where are they?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While campaigning in New York today, Hillary Clinton rode the subway and had to swipe her metro card five times before getting through a turnstile. Though if you know Hillary Clinton, you know she’ll keep trying until she gets in.” – Seth Meyers

“She swiped her metro card five times, which means it only took the crowd behind her 10 seconds to go from ‘Oh my God it’s Hillary!’ to ‘Let’s go lady!'” – Seth Meyers

“The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005.” – Conan O’Brien

Share

Two Evils that are Equally Bad

Jen Sorensen
© Jen Sorensen

For the life of me, I keep changing my mind about who would be worse, Donald Trump or Ted Cruz. Most of the time, I think Cruz is worse, because he really believes the stupidity he spouts, and he knows he is right because, um, god talks to him.

Then Trump does something totally stupid. Like yesterday, when we discovered that one of his top foreign policy advisors is a nutcase who filed a lawsuit against some native Americans because he believed (without any evidence) that they were conspiring with Turkey to build nukes for the Muslims. No, I am not making this up.

So, maybe Trump is more dangerous, because I can’t believe anyone sane would vote for Cruz for president (other than evangelicals), whereas Trump might just be able to pull it off.

But then again, maybe Cruz is worse because he has lots of campaign money, and if Trump has to start paying for a real campaign himself he will probably lose interest quickly.

You get the picture. Which one do you think is worse?

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“Bernie Sanders won on the Democratic side in the Wisconsin primary. Sanders’ Wisconsin supporters celebrated by drinking Old Milwaukee, or as Bernie calls it, ‘Young Milwaukee’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview, Spike Lee said that Bernie Sanders’ campaign song should be ‘Brooklyn’s in the House.’ Today, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I don’t know who this ‘Spike Lee’ is, but I hope he can deliver the Asian vote.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting.” – Seth Meyers

“While campaigning in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz refused to wear the traditional Wisconsin ‘Cheesehead’. Ted Cruz said the Cheesehead would compromise the dignity that he one day hopes to have.” – Conan O’Brien

“Following his win in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz today campaigned in the Bronx. Said Cruz supporters, ‘None of us live there’.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump suffered a big loss yesterday in Wisconsin to Ted Cruz. Or as Trump put it, ‘I hit a wall. A big wall. And I’m going to have to pay for it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some people are blaming Donald Trump’s loss in Wisconsin on the fact that he made fun of Ted Cruz’s wife with a photo on Twitter. Trump said he regrets the decision and wishes he had used Instagram.” – Conan O’Brien

“I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, ‘Blac Chyna.’ Or as Trump calls that, ‘his worst nightmare’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“John Kasich yesterday responded to Donald Trump’s calls on him to suspend his campaign and said, quote, ‘I’m not dropping out, I’m dropping in.’ Specifically, in the polls.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie was the focus of a shaming campaign after a fan at a basketball game photographed him seemingly pouring a bag of M&Ms into a box of M&Ms. I guarantee you Chris Christie did not know the score of that basketball game.” – James Corden

“Are we really shocked Chris Christie is eating M&Ms? The man endorsed Trump. He sucks at making healthy decisions.” – James Corden

“My point is that Chris Christie eating M&Ms isn’t something that should go viral. It’s basically what we expect. Like nobody would get excited if they caught Bernie Sanders cutting his own hair in a bus station bathroom. It’s just what he does.” – James Corden

“In a new study, three in four Americans told pollsters that they were angry because, quote, ‘Public officials don’t care what people like me think.’ They got even angrier when the pollsters were like, ‘Yeah, I wasn’t asking you, I was asking the guy behind you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The DEA has announced that by the middle of the year they may decide to remove marijuana from its Schedule 1 category of dangerous drugs. Because, let’s face it, it’s absurd to have ‘marijuana’ and ‘schedule’ in the same sentence.” – Seth Meyers

Share

Bankers for Bernie

There was an article in Politico last week titled “Bankers for Bernie“, about bankers and financiers who support Bernie Sanders. Frankly, there should be many more of them.

After all, if you know anything at all about finance and economics, you should know that they are not a zero-sum game. As they say, a rising tide raises all boats. It was the rising middle class in America that led to our most prosperous times and economic prosperity. And numerous studies have proven that in places where there is too large a gap between the rich and the poor, everyone – including the rich – suffers. Not just financially, but also their life expectancy goes down, as well as the quality of their life. These are facts.

But even if they weren’t true, even if you are competing for a prize of fixed size, how can you feel good about yourself if you have to tilt the playing field in your favor? Is it worth winning if you have to knee-cap your competition? Do you really want to live in a world where the only way to get ahead is corruption and cheating? What kind of world is that? You don’t have to speculate, because there are plenty of places in the world where corruption and graft is the norm, and they are not pretty places. What’s the point of being rich if you can’t even walk down the street without surrounding yourself with bodyguards? Or where your children suffer because of pollution and crime?

And we’ve seen what happens when Wall Street gets free reign to do whatever they want. Bubbles, more bubbles, recession, or worse. Followed by a complete vilification of bankers and investors (which they mostly deserve, although to me it doesn’t help to blame the bankers when the system is really to blame), and then by the pendulum swinging toward socialism. Are the bankers so stupid that they can’t see this coming? Can they see no further than this quarter’s profits?

To me, the solution is not unbridled capitalism, which in its purest form is no better than robber barons and warlords. I do believe in free markets, although that term means something slightly different than what many corporate CEOs think it means. But neither is it unbridled socialism, which has produced problems just as bad.

It means equal opportunity. Everyone should have an equal chance to succeed, which means that everyone will also have an equal chance to fail. But failure should not be terminal. There needs to be a comprehensive social safety net. I’m not asking for much, just the same degree of safety net that we always seem to be able to afford to bail out the too-big-to-fail banks and other industries.

Equal opportunity means that everyone has equal access to health care, and an equal chance to get a good education. It means that we need to expand the meaning of capital to include not just money, but also “social capital“.

It means that we have to eliminate, as much as possible “externalities” by taxing them at their full cost. Business that pollute should pay for mitigating that pollution completely. Businesses that use up finite resources (rare materials, clean water, and even biodiversity) should be taxed to completely cover those costs. Sustainability should be encouraged by taxing businesses that are not sustainable (like fossil fuels, overfishing, etc.). Corporate law should be changed to reduce the fixation on short-term profits at the expense of, well, everything else.

And finally, the playing field must be as level as possible. Monopolies should (once again) be prohibited by law, and even inheritance should be heavily taxed. If you have done your job as a parent, there is no need to give your children an overly unfair monetary advantage. They have the opportunity to succeed on their own. Don’t give them the fish, teach them how to fish.

On the other hand, with all these new taxes on pollution and destruction of resources or species, we should be able to greatly reduce many conventional taxes. We should mainly tax things we want to reduce. Currently, we stupidly tax things that we should be encouraging. We have sales taxes, when we depend on consumers to buy things to keep the economy going. We tax income, when we need people to earn money. Let them keep more of the money they earn. But if they can’t take it with them when they die, and can’t just pass it down completely to their children, there will be less incentive for people to be overly greedy. That, in turn, will reduce economic bubbles, because the rich will spend less time searching for safe places to invest their money.

Property should still be taxed, because it is a finite resource. I’m fine with taxing things like drugs, but we should make drug use legal, and then use the taxes we raise on them to pay for any health or other problems that arise from excessive drug use, instead of paying to throw drug users in jail, which does nobody any good.

That’s my solution. It isn’t socialism (not even “democratic socialism”, which does share some of the same goals), and it isn’t what we currently think of as business-friendly capitalism (although I’m sure we will find that it is actually far more friendly to business). I’m not sure what to call it, although one could invent terms like “social capitalism”.

Share

Get the lead out!

I’ve posted about our national love affair with lead poisoning before, but John Oliver almost makes it funny. Well, except that something this tragic isn’t funny at all.

We spend billions, if not trillions on fighting terrorism, and yet we won’t spend the money to clean up the lead in our environment, the lead that we stupidly put there ourselves. Despite the fact that it would save far more lives. And we are talking about children’s lives.

The World Health Organization estimates that lead exposure accounts for 143,000 deaths every year, and around 600,000 cases of brain damage in children annually, which causes intellectual disabilities.

There is also plenty of evidence that reducing lead pays for itself. Every dollar we spend on lead remediation returns at least $17 on lower crime and health costs.

Share