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Late Night Political Humor

“We have New Jersey governor Chris Christie on the show tonight, which means right now, Donald Trump is unlocking his basement going, ‘Oh, no, he escaped.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Jeb Bush is going back to giving speeches after his failed run for the Republican nomination. He’s actually a very talented motivational speaker, because after you listen to his life story, you feel great about yourself.” – Jimmy Fallon

“An STD clinic in Los Angeles is copying Bernie Sanders’ campaign slogan to advertise its testing services. ‘Feel the burn? Freestdtest.org.’ Makes sense because just like STDs, Bernie’s campaign is super popular on college campuses.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Benghazi Won’t Die!

Last Thursday marked the 700th day since the Select Committee on Benghazi was authorized. To put “700 days” into perspective, the 9/11 commission only took 604 days to investigate the worst terrorist attack in our country’s history, including writing a report that was endorsed by all members of the commission (of both parties). The Select Committee on Benghazi has been going on longer than the federal investigations into the assassination of JFK, Hurricane Katrina, Watergate, and the Iran-Contra scandal.

This investigation isn’t even the first investigation into what happened at Benghazi, it is the eighth Congressional investigation. And a lifelong conservative Republican and a major in the Air Force Reserve who worked as an investigator for the committee complained that the committee was primarily focused on attacking Hillary Clinton. And House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy even bragged about how the committee had succeeded in dragging down Clinton’s poll numbers.

It is a purely political operation, paid for with your taxes to the tune of almost $7 million.

Yet the committee lives on, with no end in sight. Even questioning Clinton for 11 hours last October wasn’t enough, even though virtually no new information emerged (how could it, after all those investigations?).

You know, the Republicans aren’t stupid. They keep doing this because they know it works. And not just to rile up their base against Clinton. It has also worked to convince liberals that Clinton is plagued by scandals.

I just wish the same amount of effort had been spent investigating the war in Iraq, or why Dubya failed more than once to keep us safe from terrorists.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn’t yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was recently arrested and charged with battery of a female reporter after he allegedly grabbed and twisted her arm, but Trump is dismissing the allegations and is standing by his campaign manager. I know what you are thinking — how is this the one time that Trump doesn’t say, ‘You’re fired.'” – James Corden

“Donald Trump suggested this morning that his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who has been accused of harshly grabbing a reporter at a rally, could have just been keeping her from falling down. Sure. And Bill Cosby was just helping those ladies get a good night’s sleep.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump’s explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he’s a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives.” – James Corden

“Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said ‘Well, Cooper rhymes with ‘pooper.'” – Conan O’Brien

“All the candidates who promised to support the Republican nominee no matter who it was now say they might not. Back in September they all signed a pledge to support the eventual Republican nominee, but that was when no one thought the nominee would be Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump only signed the pledge because he assumed they were asking for his autograph.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night was the GOP town hall on CNN and of course all of the focus was on Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. I have to say, Trump and Cruz are turning into the real-life version of ‘Batman v Superman’: It’s taking too long and it sucks.” – James Corden

“At yet another town hall last night, Ted Cruz was asked about his weaknesses, and admitted that he’s ‘hard-charging’ and has stepped on some toes. Then he was like, ‘But enough about my high school prom.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Marco Rubio reportedly wants to play a role in the upcoming Republican convention. It all depends on whether or not they need a sign-spinner.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study has found that people often zone out on purpose when the tasks they’re doing are not challenging enough. So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified?” – Seth Meyers

“An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, ‘It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!'” – Seth Meyers

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You’ve Made Your Bed…

Obama explains why he said that Trump and Cruz have done us a favor:

I said when I was in L.A. yesterday, and initially people were surprised — I said that I actually think that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz have done us a favor. People said, well, how so? This notion that Donald Trump or Ted Cruz are outliers and that now suddenly the Republican establishment wants to — they’re embarrassed by them. Why? They’re saying the same things that these members of the Freedom Caucus in the House have been saying for years. In fact, that’s where Trump got it. He said he’d been listening apparently to their positions on immigration, and their views with respect to national security, and their views on slashing taxes for the wealthiest among us, and slashing Medicaid and changing Medicare, and he’d been paying attention, and he said, you know what, I can deliver this message with more flair — [laughter] — with more panache.

And the reason I actually think that they’ve done us a favor is because it has stripped away any veneer of responsible governance from what had been the central tenets of an awful lot of Republicans in both the House and the Senate during the course of my presidency and before that.

Now, that is different from saying that all Republicans agree with him. I think there is a substantial number of Republicans out there who are embarrassed by it. It’s just that they hadn’t been hearing what was being said on talk radio and Fox News, and blogs and so forth. And so now there’s a little bit of recoil. Is that what we’re standing for? Blocking Muslims from coming into our country? Building walls? Surveilling neighborhoods?

What is the Republican establishment embarrassed about? We’ve had Republicans even more extreme than Trump or Cruz running for president before, like Michele Bachmann. Some of them, like Richard Nixon, even became president before being forced to resign. I think what scares the GOP establishment was that they were always able to control their extremists. After all, their favorite president was Ronald Reagan, who gave a good speech but slept through most of his presidency.

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Obama on Fox News

President Obama appeared on Fox News Sunday and was interviewed by Chris Wallace. Wallace asked Obama why he thought voters were expressing such anger and frustration this election. Obama responded by calling out how both sides are in their own bubble where they just hear things that reinforce their own opinions and fears, saying “I think the danger both among Republicans and among Democrats who just listen to each other or they just listen to people that already agree with them — you know, Republicans have their own TV station.”

Wallace interrupted, saying “Go ahead, you can say Fox News.”

Obama continues, “They’ve got their own publications, their own blogs. Democrats, same thing. Increasingly what happens is, we don’t hear each other. And so what happens then is when Republicans promise to repeal Obamacare and it doesn’t get repealed, they’re outraged. … Democrats get frustrated they say ‘well why didn’t we have a public option in our health care system or have a single-payer system.”

Obama ends by pointing out all that’s good about our country:

America’s got the best cards. We are the envy of the world. We have the most powerful military on earth by a mile. Our economy right now is stronger than any other advanced economy. We have the best workers, we have the best universities, we are the most innovative, we have the most advanced scientific community, we have an incredibly diverse and talented population. This can be our century, just like the 20th century was, as long as we don’t tear each other apart because our politics values sensationalism or conflict over cooperation and we don’t have the ability to compromise. And if we get that part right, nobody can stop us.

Watch it:

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Late Night Political Humor

“It’s the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day, with wind gusts up to 50 mph. Most New Workers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to the State Department, virtually every foreign leader who meets with Secretary of State John Kerry has expressed concern about the Republican presidential primary election. There’s no need to be concerned. It’s silly. Once President Trump builds a wall around your country, you’ll never see us again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter’s arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, ‘On my campaign we only abuse women verbally.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new NBC News poll, Donald Trump now has support from 48 percent of Republican voters. All the men and none of the wives.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump in a new interview supported the idea of holding back attacks on the wives and children of rival candidates, before adding, ‘All you have to do is tell that to Ted Cruz because he started it.’ Trump then added, ‘I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him!'” – Seth Meyers

“There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives.” – Conan O’Brien

“Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was ‘anointed’ by God to become president. To which God replied, ‘No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.'” – Seth Meyers

“John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won’t give up. He’s vowed to keep running. He’s going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Fidel Castro wrote a letter addressing President Obama’s historic trip to Cuba and said that Cuba doesn’t want any presents from the U.S. — which, as any husband will tell you, means they definitely want presents.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, ‘The Hillary Clinton’.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Shell Game

Rob Rogers
© Rob Rogers

One of the things I find strange about the whole Panama Papers scandal is that shell corporations are not actually illegal, and there are legitimate legal reasons for setting them up. In fact, when one of the companies I started years ago was bought by another company, the merger involved two shell companies, and there was absolutely nothing nefarious or immoral about it.

Yes, shell companies can be used for bad things, but demanding that someone resign because their name is connected with a shell company is like arresting someone for drugs because they own a couple of boxes of ziplock bags. It is ok if you investigate that person to see if indeed they broke any laws, but just being connected with a shell company is not illegal or immoral.

Shell Corporations

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One Year in the Future?

The Boston Globe has created a front page for their newspaper — one year in the future. It is a new world, where Donald Trump is the president, all illegal immigrants are being deported, the Dow has dropped 6000 in one month, the US military has been ordered to kill families of ISIS militants, and a trade war has broken out with China. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so frightening!

Along with the fake front page, they have published an editorial titled “The GOP must stop Trump” that explains their motivation for creating the page.

Globe Apr10

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You don’t know what you’ve lost ’till it’s gone

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

And it sure seems to be working. In early March, Obama’s job approval rating went positive for the first time in almost three years. And his approval ratings are going up both with Democrats and Republicans. Right now, compared with other recent two-term presidents at this point in their terms, Obama is considerably more popular than George W Bush (by 16 points), within the margin of error with Ronald Reagan, and the only president more popular than Obama was Bill Clinton.

One of the most amazing things about Obama’s presidency is that it has remained almost completely scandal free. It is hard to remember the last time that happened. And the few scandals that have popped up were largely manufactured (his birth certificate, Benghazi).

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Political Poetry?

Dan Wasserman
© Dan Wasserman

Politico has a fascinating story about the last time the Republicans had an open convention, complete with the triumph of the establishment Gerald Ford against the upstart Ronald Reagan.

Republican Party tearing at the seams amid an open convention. Candidates desperately wrangling and wooing delegates. Backroom battles over changes to the rules and the platform. John Kasich on the floor, haggling individual delegates for last minute votes. Many of the contested convention scenarios Republican candidates are bracing for ahead of Cleveland this summer already happened — even down to the Kasich cameo — over four muggy days in August 40 years ago at the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Missouri

What’s really interesting about the story is that it is told almost entirely from new quotes from people who were actually there, including the power brokers on both sides.

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Lifestyles of Assholes

Trevor Noah plumbs the depths of righteous disgust about … guess who.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Today, President Obama hosted the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and the theme was ‘Let’s Celebrate’. Obama came up with the theme ‘Let’s Celebrate’ when he realized it’s the last year he would ever have to do this. ‘I’ve pardoned my last turkey, rolled my last egg. God bless America.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It’s a tradition that’s been going on for 138 years. Since the year Bernie Sanders was born. If Bernie Sanders is elected president, they’re switching to soft-boiled eggs.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While covering the Democratic caucuses on Saturday, CNN had a ‘caucus cam’ set up. Yeah, a camera that just shows pics of your caucus. Or as most people call that, Snapchat.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders has been on a hot streak. He won three states on Saturday, but the biggest thing that happened to him was at a rally in Portland, Oregon, where he got a surprise visit from an unexpected guest. That bird landing on his podium was actually the closest Bernie Sanders has come to ever sending a tweet.” – James Corden

“I’m not mocking Bernie, but when a bird lands on your podium and that’s the biggest reaction you get, maybe you’re not the most interesting presidential candidate. Bernie was like, ‘OK, let’s get back to the economy.’ And the audience is like, ‘Awww.'” – James Corden

“More than 47,000 people have signed a petition to allow guns at the Republican National Convention. And every single one of them is a Democrat.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ted Cruz is being accused of having affairs with five different women. And five different women are being accused of having terrible taste in men.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer!” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump got a nice delivery on Sunday: a new grandson. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Theodore, which is interesting. Theodore is usually shortened to Ted, like Ted Cruz. That’s one way to get back at your father. ‘Dad, we’d like you to meet Theodore, Rosie, Megyn Kelly, Mexicans, Muslims, Jeb Bush.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, Donald Trump welcomed his eighth grandchild. It was so sweet when Donald met him, he was like, ‘Welcome to the Elite Eight.'” Jimmy Fallon

“As of a couple of hours ago, Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted about his new grandson. He’s waiting to see the birth certificate. He’s nothing if not fair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won’t visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, ‘Wow, look at the size of those hands!'” – James Corden

“The family says the baby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny.” – James Corden

“A conservative radio host told Donald Trump he reminds him of a 12-year-old playground bully. Trump responded by shoving the host and calling him a ‘gaywad.'” – Conan O’Brien

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Punishment

Nick Anderson
© Nick Anderson

The “pro-life” movement claims that they are against punishing women who get an abortion. I guess Trump didn’t get the memo. All he said was that if abortion is murder (as anti-abortion forces fervently believe), then there has to be some kind of punishment. According to US law, it is still murder even if you hire someone else (even a doctor) to commit it.

So do you believe the pro-life people, or is this just a lie because they know that the majority of Americans are strongly against punishing women? Was Trump just saying out loud what they are secretly thinking?

Instead, they want to punish abortion doctors and clinics. In the US alone at least eleven people involved in providing abortions have been killed, and that doesn’t include the 17 attempted murders, 13 people wounded, 153 incidents of assault or battery, 383 death threats, 100 acid attacks, 3 kidnappings, 41 bombings, 173 cases of arson, 655 anthrax threats, and over 400 cases of vandalism committed against abortion providers and clinics.

And of course, it is ok to punish women by passing laws making it difficult or embarrassing to get an abortion. Since the 2010 midterm elections, states have passed 288 laws restricting abortions.

UPDATE: If they really want to save lives, let’s do something about the almost six million children under the age of five who died in 2015, and the 300,000 women who died from pregnancy-related causes. According to a study funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, it would be relatively easy and inexpensive to save the lives of 4 million people a year.

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Late Night Political Humor

“We have Amy Adams from ‘Batman vs. Superman’ on the show tonight! In the movie, she plays the luckiest reporter in the world. Not because she gets to date Superman, because she doesn’t have to cover this election.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders was here on Tuesday and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is here tonight. They’re an interesting pair because they’re still competing with each other, but eventually we know they’re going to team up to stop the deranged billionaire who wants to take over the world. Which if you think about it is basically the plot to ‘Batman vs. Superman’, the movie. They spoiled it without giving an alert.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary also targeted Donald Trump’s recent comments on foreign policy, saying if Trump gets his way, it will be like Christmas for Russia. Then Russians were like, ‘So, we all get potato in sock?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don’t have Twitter or television.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I read that George Clooney e-mailed Hillary Clinton supporters a letter endorsing her for president. Or as Hillary put it, ‘That’s one e-mail I’ll never delete…'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department is having to hire more staffers to review all of the requests that are being filed for Hillary Clinton’s emails. Or as Hillary put it, ‘See, I’m creating jobs already. I told you!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The latest national poll shows Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are in an effective tie for support from Democratic voters. Not in an effective tie? Bernie Sanders’s neck.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton travels with a good-sized entourage. She has Secret Service, personal aides, she’s got advisers, and she has a guy who takes care of her lizards full-time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said Hillary Clinton could be considered a founding member of ISIS. That’s ridiculous, ISIS doesn’t hire women. That’s like their big thing.” – Seth Meyers

“The super PAC supporting Hillary Clinton has already started reserving $70 million in TV ads set to air during the lead up to the general election. Of course, if all it took was ad time, this could be our president.” – Seth Meyers

“People on Wall Street are worried about the negative effects of a Donald Trump presidency. Also worried, people on every street. All the streets.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is furious over an ad featuring a nude photo of Melania. Trump’s mostly furious because it’s the first time he’s seen Melania naked in years.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dr. Ben Carson appeared on ‘The View’ this morning and when asked afterwards what he thought of, ‘The View’, he said, ‘Blurry’.” – Seth Meyers

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Barney Frank Is Not Impressed by Bernie Sanders

For over 30 years until he retired in 2013, Barney Frank was one of the most liberal members of Congress. He was also the first openly gay Congressman. Given the great strides the LGBTQ movement has achieved in the last decade, he has seen what works and what doesn’t.

Barney is the “Frank” in Dodd-Frank, the biggest financial reform and consumer protection bill since the Great Depression. Like most successful bills it was attacked from both sides; by conservatives for introducing too much regulation and by liberals by not going far enough to prevent another financial crisis. But the bill is working. According to Nobel-prize-winning economist Paul Krugman, “like Obamacare, [Dodd-Frank] financial reform is working a lot better than anyone listening to the news media would imagine.”

So it surprised me when Frank recently gave an interview expressing how unimpressed he is by his former Congressional colleague Bernie Sanders. I assumed that the two of them had much in common and would be allies.

Of course, Sanders supporters immediately dismissed Frank as just another Clinton partisan. But that ignores the important points made by Frank. The first one is something I’ve complained about before – liberals put all their energy into getting Obama elected and then lost interest. Or as Frank says in the interview:

I am disappointed by the voters who say, “OK I’m just going to show you how angry I am!” And I’m particularly unimpressed with people who sat out the Congressional elections of 2010 and 2014 and then are angry at Democrats because we haven’t been able to produce public policies they like. They contributed to the public policy problems and now they are blaming other people for their own failure to vote, and then it’s like, “Oh look at this terrible system,” but it was their voting behavior that brought it about.

The only thing I would add is that it isn’t just their voting behavior, they pretty much lost interest in politics at all levels until the current presidential election. And now they aim their anger at Obama and Clinton, the wrong targets.

For example, one of the main attacks against Clinton by Sanders supporters is that she has taken money from Wall Street, as payment for speeches and as campaign contributions. This is a tempest in a teapot because Sanders has also taken money from Wall Street. As Frank put it:

There was this complaint, “Oh she had contributions from Wall Street.” So did Barack Obama. So does almost every Democrat because you can’t unilaterally disarm.

Sanders has also attacked Clinton for expensive fundraising dinners, like the one with George Clooney that cost up to $353,400 per plate. But most of the money from dinners like this doesn’t go to Clinton (candidates are limited to $2,700 in donations from each individual), they go to the Democratic party to help down-ballot Democrats get elected. Sanders has raised nothing for other Dems. How would President Sanders get any of his programs implemented without more Democrats in Congress?

Electoral-Vote expands on this point:

Though Frank is widely—and correctly—regarded as a progressive, his progressivism is tempered by a certain fundamental pragmatism, as his words make very clear. The same is true of, for example, Sherrod Brown, or Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), and certainly helps us to understand why the Vermont Senator has struggled to get endorsements from even those members of Congress with whom he is 95% in agreement.

The main success of Sanders has been tapping into the (perhaps misplaced) anger of Democrats, the same way that Trump is tapping into the (definitely misplaced) anger of Republicans. But it takes more than anger to get things done, it takes work.

Frank says that Sanders has been an ineffective Senator:

Bernie Sanders has been in Congress for 25 years with little to show for it in terms of his accomplishments and that’s because of the role he stakes out. It is harder to get things done in the American political system than a lot of people realize, and what happens is they blame the people in office for the system.

I think this might be Frank’s weakest argument against Sanders. While Sanders does not have big-name bills (like Dodd-Frank) to his credit, he has been good at using the amendment process to influence other people’s bills.

A stronger argument against Sanders ironically comes from his superdelegate count. Sanders has often complained against the undemocratic nature of superdelegates, but is now trying to woo them to his side. Calling them undemocratic ignores the fact that many of the superdelegates are elected Democratic governors, senators, and representatives. It is telling that Sanders has received the endorsement of only one Senate superdelegate while Clinton has received 39 (Sanders has not been endorsed by any governor superdelegates, while Clinton has received 16). In fact, 23 of Sanders’ 32 superdelegates are DNC members, arguably the least democratic of the superdelegates.

Speaking of undemocratic, Frank does make a good point:

It’s ironic that we complain about voter suppression and shortened voting times and then we have so many caucuses. The caucuses are the least democratic political operation in America. They cater to the people who have a lot of time on their hands, and what’s interesting is Sanders is the nominee of the caucuses and Hillary is the nominee of the primaries.

Indeed, even though Sanders lost the Nevada caucuses by 5.3%, Sanders supporters weren’t above taking advantage of complicated rules at the county convention in Clark County (where Las Vegas is located) this weekend to muscle two delegates (at least) from Clinton to Sanders. Is that more democratic than superdelegates?

Gays didn’t just vote for non-homophobic politicians. And they didn’t get angry, they got to work. They worked hard to make sure that gays were given good roles in movies and TV shows to convince Americans that gays were no different than everyone else, with the same dreams and aspirations. And most importantly, they convinced even many conservatives that there was no threat from the “gay lifestyle”. They didn’t blame the system, they changed it. They changed the opinions of the American people, and that reverberated all the way up to the Supreme Court. It wasn’t a revolution, it was evolution. And it worked.

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