[Jokes from the night of April 27, 2016]
“Yesterday was a huge win for Donald Trump, who won all five of the primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. During his victory speech, Trump called it a ‘diverse victory’. And it’s true! Some people in those states shop at J Crew, and others shop at the J Crew OUTLET.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story, Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch.” – Conan O’Brien
“During his victory speech last night Donald Trump dismissed the idea of facing a contested convention, saying, ‘As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.’ And by ‘it’, I assume he means civilization as we know it.” – Seth Meyers
“After all the speculation and the campaigning and craziness and this unprecedented cartoonish election, we seem to be down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I don’t know why. Nobody seems to like them, but they’re both way ahead in the delegate count.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“While it’s not officially over, it’s over. Everyone knows it except Kasich, Sanders, and Cruz. At this point the only chance they have of stopping Clinton and Trump is an angry Beyoncé with a baseball bat, but they’re not giving up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘You never really get used to it.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn’t have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it.” – Seth Meyers
“In his campaign against Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump says he’s going to start quoting some of Bernie Sanders’ speeches. Which means Trump’s opening line will now be, ‘My nurse is stealing from me.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Today the Sanders campaign announced they’re downsizing and firing hundreds of people, but he’s vowed to stay in the race until the race ends in June or until his life ends. I’m trying to say he’s old. There was a miscommunication, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sanders offered Elizabeth Warren to be his running mate. Bernie said the women of this country understand it would be a great idea to have a woman as vice president. Yeah, or as president, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz’s running mate. Fiorina said it’s always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president.” – Conan O’Brien
“You almost have to hand it to Ted Cruz. Even though he lost all five primaries, today he named a running mate. He named Carly Fiorina as his running mate. For what, I don’t know. Maybe they plan to go running together.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Should he win the nomination, Ted Cruz has selected former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate. But, unfortunately, he did so by announcing, ‘Ted Cruz has HP VP!'” – Seth Meyers
“Former presidential candidates Martin O’Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200.” – Jimmy Fallon
“ISIS has reportedly started rolling out ‘reductions in benefits’ to try to cut down costs. And now al-Qaeda is trying to compete with them by launching ‘Osamacare’.” – Seth Meyers
