Political Irony

[Political humor gleaned from the web]

It’s official, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our FIRST female President or our LAST U.S. President.

Hillary responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a “historic, unprecedented moment.” She looked so radiant making the speech, Bill forgot himself and hit on her.

Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and super delegates and states, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters that the struggle continues. The struggle is to understand math.

Donald Trump claimed this week that Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. When Trump found that out, he said, “Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?”

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Trump’s remarks about the Hispanic judge as a “textbook” definition of racism. Even worse, the textbook was made by Trump University.

Trump’s supporters were not fazed by Ryan’s remarks. They’ve never seen a textbook.

In a prepared speech, Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don’t think he should have added, “Once and for all.”

According to a new poll, Trump is at zero percent among African Americans. Here’s the sad part: That’s up 5 percent from last week.

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Trump for President. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax! Lots and lots of Xanax!”

Bernie Sanders and President Obama had a meeting at the White House, which was fitting since they have a lot in common. They are both beloved political figures who are just a few months away from NOT going to live there.

It’s being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Another indication that his run for President is in trouble, he changed his campaign 800 number to 911.

[Jokes from May 26-27, 2016]

“Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So today, Trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders. Two angry New Yorkers shouting at each other — it’ll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car!” – Stephen Colbert

“After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there’s now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word on what the debate will be on, but I’m guessing mute.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Immediately after Trump offered to debate him, Bernie responded by tweeting, ‘Game on.’ Sounds like he’s accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. Not entirely sure.” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I’m guessing, ‘The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren’t Anywhere Near a 10, They’re Like a 5 Tops.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump issued a statement saying he will not debate Bernie Sanders. For a while, it was looking like they were going to go ahead with it. They even started negotiating the rules. The one thing they both agreed on: no ceiling fans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he’s one step closer to moving into the smallest house he’s ever lived in.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, ‘Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey asked Americans which candidate they’d want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When Trump heard that, he was like, ‘What does ‘sit next to someone on a plane’ mean? Did their private jet break, or something?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders needs a big win in the California primary. Right now he and Hillary Clinton are in a dead heat. Not so great. Older people sometimes die in the heat.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama today spoke at the G7 summit in Japan. Bernie Sanders was like, ‘G7?! Bingo!'” – Seth Meyers

“This is a crazy election. But, of course, you know that, unless you have been in a coma. And if you were in a coma, you might want to slip back in for the next six months.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, ‘Sucks, doesn’t it?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Secret Service had to sweep our building for the second day today. I’ve had so many pat-downs this week, one of the Secret Service guys told me to get checked because I had a lump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

I like the line “Trump is the king bigot”.

[Jokes from May 25, 2016]

“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” – Conan O’Brien

“The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no’, what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using ‘bad judgment’. Priebus said, ‘I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he’s going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, ‘Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump won a primary last night. He got 76%. Kasich got 9.8%. Somehow Kasich is doing better since he dropped out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz!” – Conan O’Brien

“At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, ‘Donald Trump is toast.’ Incidentally, ‘toast’ is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term ‘Eskimo’ in all federal laws with the phrase ‘Alaska Native.’ ‘Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,’ said Chris Christie.” – Seth Meyers

A humorous look at the conflict between Clinton and Sanders supporters:

Now the only question is, can we laugh at ourselves?

Personally, I won’t belong to any political group that doesn’t have a healthy sense of humor.

[Jokes from May 20 & 23, 2016]

“While at a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘If you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life.’ Then Trump looked at Christie and said, ‘Well, except be President.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob … even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, ‘That’s between me and Donny Three Wives.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be ‘four more years of stupidity.’ As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Trump’s behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. While the rest of the world was like, ‘Yeah, and we’re loving this!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows that almost half of registered voters say they would consider a third-party candidate as an alternative to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. A third-party candidate is a little bit like a Tinder date. You think to yourself, what have I got to lose? Can’t be worse than my ex.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together’. Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” – Conan O’Brien

“There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House went into lockdown yesterday after several balloons drifted onto the property. Even worse, Bernie Sanders’ house was attached to them.” –Seth Meyers

[Satire reprinted from The New Yorker. Here’s what Hawking actually said.]

Stephen Hawking Angers Trump Supporters With Baffling Array of Long Words

by Andy Borowitz

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J. Trump on Monday by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long words.

Speaking to a television interviewer in London, Hawking called Trump “a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator,” a statement that many Trump supporters believed was intentionally designed to confuse them.

Moments after Hawking made the remark, Google reported a sharp increase in searches for the terms “demagogue,” “denominator,” and “Stephen Hawking.”

“For a so-called genius, this was an epic fail,” Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said. “If Professor Hawking wants to do some damage, maybe he should try talking in English next time.”

Later in the day, Hawking attempted to clarify his remark about the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, telling a reporter, “Trump bad man. Real bad man.”