Political Irony

[Jokes from June 8, 2016]

“It’s official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president.” – Seth Meyers

“In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money-grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don’t think he should have added, ‘Once and for all.'” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview, Donald Trump said he won’t have to ask God for ‘much forgiveness’. Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who’s a Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night was also a big one for Donald Trump, who destroyed his competition in every state where he had no competition.” – Stephen Colbert

“And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb.” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary Clinton became the first female candidate of a major party. It was an incredible moment 240 years in the making, because I believe that’s when the election began.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and superdelegates and states, Bernie Sanders still isn’t giving up. He says he will continue to fight. He’s like one of those old Japanese guys on an island who thinks the war is still going on.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton told supporters last night that her status as the Democratic nominee is thanks to the generations who struggled and sacrificed before her. ‘You’re welcome’, said Bernie Sanders.” – Seth Meyers

“You know who could use ‘Ghostbusters’ right now? Hillary Clinton. She’s still being haunted by a spooky ghost named Bernie.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters in Los Angeles that the struggle continues. The struggle to understand math?” – Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders is vowing to stay in the race until the Democratic convention. He says he owes it all to his supporters, who need something to do until Burning Man.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Bernie said, ‘I’m saving money by only keeping the most delusional.'” – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from June 7, 2016]

“Today, presidential primaries are being held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, and South Dakota. Or, as it’s being reported in the media, California.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, ‘Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton today responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a ‘historic, unprecedented moment’. Said Hillary, ‘Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.'” – Seth Meyers

“The Clinton folks aren’t happy about the media jumping the gun on her clinching it. She wanted to announce that at her victory rally tonight, so when she does announce, everyone please act like you didn’t see this coming.” – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary had to reach the threshold of 2,383 delegates to become the presumptive nominee. Hillary hasn’t been this excited about a threshold since the one she carried Bill over on their wedding night.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said it would be great if Hillary Clinton picked a female running mate. She said it during a speech entitled ‘Hint Hint’.” – Conan O’Brien

“It looks like the general election will come down to Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. Which is fitting, really, since she’ll be the first female nominee of her party, and he’ll be his party’s last nominee.” – Stephen Colbert

“Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the ‘textbook definition’ of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University.” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a ‘textbook definition’ of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, ‘You lost us at textbook.'” – Conan O’Brien

“It is being reported that Ivanka Trump is writing a book titled ‘Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules of Success.’ Which is better than the original title, ‘Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!'” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama yesterday called the Denver Broncos one of the greatest defenses of all time. ‘Wow, thanks!’ said the Army.” – Seth Meyers

Stephen Colbert deciphers Trump’s statements about Obama:

UPDATE: Seth Meyers also takes an eloquent shot at Trump:

This segment points out Trump’s hypocrisy and lies. Like when Trump said “I’m far better for the gay community than [Hillary Clinton] is.” Meyers followed this with videos of one of the many times that Trump said that he is against gay marriage, and promising to appoint a Supreme Court justice who will overturn the decision that made gay marriage legal.

In return for Trump banning the Washington Post from his campaign events, Meyers banned Trump from appearing on his show.

[Jokes from June 6, 2016]

“Bernie Sanders campaigned in California yesterday ahead of the state’s Democratic primary, and even checked out the famous carousel at the Santa Monica Pier. But it got a little awkward when the music stopped and Bernie still wouldn’t admit that the ride was over. ‘This is gonna be a contested carousel!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the California primary. Analysts say it’s make or break for Bernie Sanders. Either Bernie wins and he keeps going or he loses and he keeps going.” – Conan O’Brien

“While campaigning in California, ahead of tomorrow’s primary, Bernie Sanders yesterday stopped at a Los Angeles bar popular among the LGBT community. Said Sanders, ‘No! I said I wanted a BLT! What’s the ‘G’ for? It better not be guacamole because that costs an arm and a leg.'” – Seth Meyers

“I saw that before tonight’s game, members of Metallica performed ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’. Yeah, hockey and Metallica — even Donald Trump was like, ‘That’s too white.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, ‘Look at my African-American,’ which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, ‘Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?'” – Seth Meyers

“A new poll found that Donald Trump’s recent outrageous comments might cost him the state of Florida. You know things are bad when a candidate is considered ‘too crazy for Florida’.” – Conan O’Brien

“After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, ‘Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new poll, a majority of Americans say they would not sleep with Donald Trump for $1 million. Well, of course, nobody sleeps with him for $1 million.” – Seth Meyers

“Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again!” – Conan O’Brien

“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson said that he might run for president of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, ‘Can you start tomorrow?'” – Conan O’Brien

[Political humor gleaned from the web]

It’s official, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our FIRST female President or our LAST U.S. President.

Hillary responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a “historic, unprecedented moment.” She looked so radiant making the speech, Bill forgot himself and hit on her.

Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and super delegates and states, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters that the struggle continues. The struggle is to understand math.

Donald Trump claimed this week that Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. When Trump found that out, he said, “Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?”

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Trump’s remarks about the Hispanic judge as a “textbook” definition of racism. Even worse, the textbook was made by Trump University.

Trump’s supporters were not fazed by Ryan’s remarks. They’ve never seen a textbook.

In a prepared speech, Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don’t think he should have added, “Once and for all.”

According to a new poll, Trump is at zero percent among African Americans. Here’s the sad part: That’s up 5 percent from last week.

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Trump for President. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax! Lots and lots of Xanax!”

Bernie Sanders and President Obama had a meeting at the White House, which was fitting since they have a lot in common. They are both beloved political figures who are just a few months away from NOT going to live there.

It’s being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Another indication that his run for President is in trouble, he changed his campaign 800 number to 911.

[Jokes from May 26-27, 2016]

“Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So today, Trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders. Two angry New Yorkers shouting at each other — it’ll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car!” – Stephen Colbert

“After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there’s now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word on what the debate will be on, but I’m guessing mute.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Immediately after Trump offered to debate him, Bernie responded by tweeting, ‘Game on.’ Sounds like he’s accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. Not entirely sure.” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I’m guessing, ‘The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren’t Anywhere Near a 10, They’re Like a 5 Tops.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump issued a statement saying he will not debate Bernie Sanders. For a while, it was looking like they were going to go ahead with it. They even started negotiating the rules. The one thing they both agreed on: no ceiling fans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he’s one step closer to moving into the smallest house he’s ever lived in.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, ‘Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey asked Americans which candidate they’d want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When Trump heard that, he was like, ‘What does ‘sit next to someone on a plane’ mean? Did their private jet break, or something?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders needs a big win in the California primary. Right now he and Hillary Clinton are in a dead heat. Not so great. Older people sometimes die in the heat.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama today spoke at the G7 summit in Japan. Bernie Sanders was like, ‘G7?! Bingo!'” – Seth Meyers

“This is a crazy election. But, of course, you know that, unless you have been in a coma. And if you were in a coma, you might want to slip back in for the next six months.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, ‘Sucks, doesn’t it?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Secret Service had to sweep our building for the second day today. I’ve had so many pat-downs this week, one of the Secret Service guys told me to get checked because I had a lump.” – Jimmy Kimmel