Political Irony

I like the line “Trump is the king bigot”.

[Jokes from May 25, 2016]

“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” – Conan O’Brien

“The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.” – Stephen Colbert

“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no’, what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using ‘bad judgment’. Priebus said, ‘I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he’s going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, ‘Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.” – Seth Meyers

“Trump won a primary last night. He got 76%. Kasich got 9.8%. Somehow Kasich is doing better since he dropped out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz!” – Conan O’Brien

“At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, ‘Donald Trump is toast.’ Incidentally, ‘toast’ is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term ‘Eskimo’ in all federal laws with the phrase ‘Alaska Native.’ ‘Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,’ said Chris Christie.” – Seth Meyers

A humorous look at the conflict between Clinton and Sanders supporters:

Now the only question is, can we laugh at ourselves?

Personally, I won’t belong to any political group that doesn’t have a healthy sense of humor.

[Jokes from May 20 & 23, 2016]

“While at a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘If you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life.’ Then Trump looked at Christie and said, ‘Well, except be President.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob … even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, ‘That’s between me and Donny Three Wives.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be ‘four more years of stupidity.’ As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Trump’s behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. While the rest of the world was like, ‘Yeah, and we’re loving this!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows that almost half of registered voters say they would consider a third-party candidate as an alternative to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. A third-party candidate is a little bit like a Tinder date. You think to yourself, what have I got to lose? Can’t be worse than my ex.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together’. Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” – Conan O’Brien

“There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House went into lockdown yesterday after several balloons drifted onto the property. Even worse, Bernie Sanders’ house was attached to them.” –Seth Meyers

[Satire reprinted from The New Yorker. Here’s what Hawking actually said.]

Stephen Hawking Angers Trump Supporters With Baffling Array of Long Words

by Andy Borowitz

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J. Trump on Monday by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long words.

Speaking to a television interviewer in London, Hawking called Trump “a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator,” a statement that many Trump supporters believed was intentionally designed to confuse them.

Moments after Hawking made the remark, Google reported a sharp increase in searches for the terms “demagogue,” “denominator,” and “Stephen Hawking.”

“For a so-called genius, this was an epic fail,” Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said. “If Professor Hawking wants to do some damage, maybe he should try talking in English next time.”

Later in the day, Hawking attempted to clarify his remark about the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, telling a reporter, “Trump bad man. Real bad man.”

[Jokes from May 19, 2016]

“One of the ways that Trump is treating the convention like a reality show is holding off announcing his running mate. As one Trumpling said, ‘Announcing the vice-presidential nominee before the convention is like announcing the winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ before the final show is on the air.’ It’s an apt metaphor, because this year’s Republican convention will be the series finale of America.” – Stephen Colbert

“The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don’t see them right away, it’s because they’re right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ed Rendell tried to help Hillary Clinton by attacking her opponent, saying, ‘Trump’s comments, like ‘you can’t be a 10 if you’re flat-chested,’ will come back to haunt him.’ And then Rendell helpfully added, ‘There are probably more ugly women in America than attractive women. People take that stuff personally.’ Yep, I have a feeling a lot of women are about to take that really personally.” – Stephen Colbert

“Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.” – Seth Meyers

“Vice President Joe Biden today urged Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation about race relations. And he would know, because he’s had lots of them.” – Seth Meyers

“The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack!” – Stephen Colbert