Political Irony

[Jokes from June 27, 2016]

“Because of England’s Brexit vote, there’s now talk in Scotland and Northern Ireland about leaving the UK. And when I say ‘talk,’ I mean loud, angry, incomprehensible talk.” – Conan O’Brien

“Critics are calling those in Britain who voted to pull out of the European Union ‘racist’ and ‘anti-immigrant.’ After hearing this, Donald Trump said, ‘Wow, I’m running for leader of the wrong country.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Bernie Sanders’ press secretary left his campaign. Bernie said, ‘Now it’s just me and my podiatrist.'” – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from June 23, 2016]

“The UK officially voted to leave the European Union. It caused the British pound to hit a 31-year low. You could tell Brits were struggling today. Queen Elizabeth was wearing one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Following the vote, British Prime Minister David Cameron actually resigned, saying that the country needs new leadership. An American was like, ‘Can you start here next January?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It was such an important vote and it’s good to know that people were making an informed decision. Check out the number two trending topic in the UK while people voted whether or not to leave the EU. ‘What is the EU?’ Half the Britons thought they were voting to leave the ‘EW’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You’ll know it’s Obama’s team when they travel too much and never pass anything.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from June 23, 2016]

“Democrats held a big sit-in on the House floor to protest Congress’ refusal to vote on gun control. Or in other words, Democrats were tired of Congress not getting anything done, so they refused to get anything done until someone got something done.” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Democrats staged a dramatic 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to force a vote on background check provisions. The Democrats decided to get the Republicans’ attention by doing something they can relate to: sitting on their butts and getting nothing done.” – James Corden

“Democrats staged a 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to try to force a vote on new gun control legislation. You know the state of our Congress is terrible when you see a bunch of politicians sitting on their asses and you think to yourself, ‘Wow, they’re finally doing something!'” – Seth Meyers

“The sit-in in the House of Representatives is pretty dramatic. It is so rare that Congress does anything interesting. So I want to take a moment to say something I never thought I would: ‘Thank you Congress for sitting on your ass.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday House Speaker Paul Ryan referred to the Democratic-led sit-in for gun control as ‘nothing more than a publicity stunt’. He then added, ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, my party’s nominee has a WWE match to fight.'” – Seth Meyers

“After the protest began, Paul Ryan declared a recess and cut off C-SPAN’s live feed. Now, personally, I don’t want to live in a world where Paul Ryan decides what’s on TV. I’m guessing it would just be P90X infomercials and ‘Top Gun’ 24 hours a day.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night’s sit-in by Congressional Democrats was live-streamed and got over 3 million views. Which is why today, Congress got picked up for two seasons on Netflix.” – Conan O’Brien

“After ending their 26-hour sit-in, House Democrats vowed to continue fighting for gun control when Congress resumes in July. Because it’s going to take that long for some of these guys to get up off the floor.” – Seth Meyers

“The truth is the sit-in failed to force a vote, but it was a huge success in at least one way: It finally bumped Donald Trump out of the news for 24 hours — which, seriously, thank you Democrats.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump is actually taking a break from the campaign to go visit his golf resort in Scotland tomorrow. Right after he leaves the U.S., Republicans will say, ‘Quick! Build the wall!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump’s campaign isn’t doing so well financially. A recent report said his campaign even spent over $100,000 for meals just last month. Trump was like, ‘Well, that’s the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In response to Hillary Clinton’s slogan ‘I’m with her’, Donald Trump debuted his new slogan, ‘I’m with you’. Then Bernie Sanders debuted his new slogan, ‘I’m still here, dammit!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Sanders still hasn’t officially dropped out of the race for president, but earlier today, he gave a speech with the theme ‘Where do we go from here?’ I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont.” – Jimmy Fallon

“House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called ‘Dying at 50’.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been reported that after leaving office, President Obama is considering owning an NBA team. They say Obama wants to be an NBA owner because it’s his only chance to get someone on the court.” – Conan O’Brien

“In its last few days before break, the Supreme Court has been arguing about race, immigration, and abortion. So basically, the Supreme Court has become most people’s families at Thanksgiving.” – Conan O’Brien

[Helen Philpot from Margaret and Helen has a good rant about Donald Trump.]

Margaret, which voters have their heads farther up their asses, Trump supporters or Brexit voters? Wait a minute. Is it farther or further? I don’t know, but either way the asshats they are now wearing aren’t making anyone great again.

I know I offended some Bernie fans when I posted my support of Hillary. But let’s be clear on how the cow ate the cabbage. We need to get on the same team or we’re gonna end up a lot deeper in the shitter than the Brits. If Donald Trump wins this election, the only Bern anyone will be feeling is heartburn.

Donald thinks the way to handle terrorists is to fight fire with fire. According to him, water boarding is bad but it’s no worse than what the terrorist do. So Donald’s plan to deal with terrorists is to be more like the terrorists? In my book, that’s kind of like solving gun violence by giving more people guns. No wait…

You know what? I give up. If violence is your answer then you are too stupid to be asked the question in the first place. Donald’s response to terrorism is torture. His response to a global financial crisis is to celebrate the increase in greens fees at his Scottish golf club. His response to abortion is to punish the woman. His response to immigration is racism. His response to Orlando is to double down on racism. His response to a debate question about sexism is to attack the female moderator. His response to a disability is to mock the disabled.

I’m willing to agree to disagree with the Bernie supporters about who is the better Democratic nominee. In the end, I think we can find common ground. But Donald doesn’t like common ground because he can’t develop it for a profit. News Flash: his supporters aren’t looking for common ground. They (and their leader) seem to prefer scorched earth.

I wish I had something funny to write. I really do. But this isn’t funny anymore. I mean it. Really.