Political Irony

[Jokes from July 20, 2016]

“A number of college professors are saying that Melania Trump’s convention speech earlier this week would classify as plagiarism in some academic settings. While in other academic settings [displays logo of Trump University], it would earn you a Ph.D. in ‘Speechinating’.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s the Republican Convention and Donald Trump returned to Cleveland ahead of tomorrow night’s speech. A lot of people noted that Trump was greeted by his whole family when he landed, except for his wife, Melania. Even weirder, Michelle Obama WAS there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the things I’ve been enjoying most about the convention, almost everyone refers to him as Donald J. Trump, like there’s another one running around. But I’ve thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. The ‘J’ is a big thing. And a lot of people don’t realize, the ‘J’ stands for Jamal.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The most unusual comments were made by former Trump rival Dr. Ben Carson. Speaking with the authority of a brain surgeon that had performed a lobotomy on himself, he said Lucifer is Hillary’s top running mate. That’s how you feel the Bern.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Paul Ryan last night told the Republican convention’s audience that they can get through next week’s Democratic convention with a little help from the mute button. And speaking of which [displays photo of Dr. Ben Carson], the mute button also gave a speech last night.” – Seth Meyers

“A good thing they have a doctor there because some members of the convention contracted the norovirus, losing bowel control. It’s basically what happened to Chris Christie after walking off stage when he endorsed Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from July 19, 2016]

“Melania Trump is being accused of plagiarism because paragraphs of her speech last night closely mirror Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2008 Democratic convention. Said Melania, ‘That’s ridiculous. I worked on that speech for four score and seven years.'” – Seth Meyers

“Melania did it: She found something less original than being a model married to an old billionaire.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort said today that Melania’s speech was similar to Michelle Obama’s because they must feel the same way about their families. Then Melania said, ‘Yes, especially my daughters, Sasha and Malia.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story last night was Melania Trump’s speech, and a lot of experts are saying that she borrowed a large chunk of it from a speech that Michelle Obama gave at the Democratic convention in 2008. Trump came to his wife’s defense, and said that he’s always been on her side from his days as a community organizer in Chicago, all the way back to being the first black male senator from Illinois.” – James Corden

“If any of these jokes sound old, it’s because Michelle Obama used them in 2008.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said today that whoever wrote Melania Trump’s speech should be fired. ‘Fine, I’ll pack up my desk,’ said Michelle.” – Seth Meyers

No one has lost their jobs [over the Melania speech incident]. If only there was someone in the Trump campaign who enjoyed firing people …” – Stephen Colbert

“Chris Christie promising terrifying show trials before a mindless, screaming mob, with no representation for the defense. Spooky or not spooky?” – Stephen Colbert

“Today Donald Trump officially won the Republican nomination. Which makes the entrance he made last night at the convention even more spectacular. Donald said he wanted his entrance to be like his plans for the economy: foggy and mysterious.” – James Corden

“What’s really interesting is that he came out to the Queen song ‘We are the Champions.’ I would have gone with a different Queen song: “I See a Little Silhouette-o of a Man.'” – James Corden

“What I don’t understand is, yeah, we knew [Trump was going to be the nominee] but there was supposed to be a floor fight. Bikers chain-whipping the Rules Committee. Ted Cruz trying to cut out Reince Priebus’ eyeball with a broken bottle. We were promised excitement! But none of that happened. They voted. He got it. That’s it.” – Stephen Colbert

“The moment Donald Trump secured the nomination [at the Republican convention] — got the number of delegates that sent him over the top — the celebration kicked off in style with a giant gold screen that declared ‘Over the Top,’ which was either declaring victory or indicating the direction Trump combs his hair. – Stephen Colbert

“Of course, the convention’s going all week. And I saw that it actually has a different theme each night. That’s right, the themes are ‘Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this week’s Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind his mom’s leg.” – Seth Meyers

“A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary was actually campaigning in Las Vegas today. Which is crazy, ‘cuz usually when Hillary gambles, it involves national security.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Right now the New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she’s excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from July 18, 2016]

“Quicken Loans Arena, home to the NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers, is hosting the Republican Convention this week. And just like the Cavs’ starting lineup, the convention is expected to have four black people.” – Seth Meyers

“The Republican National Convention started today — and we’re now just a week away from the Democratic Convention. Both have an important case to make: Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift?” – Jimmy Fallon

“After what seems like nine years, tonight is finally the first night of the Republican National Convention and they are bringing out the big guns. So be careful — they’re Republicans.” – James Corden

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a ‘bad loser.’ Said Jeb, ‘Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!'” – Seth Meyers

“The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven’t been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has selected mega-star Scott Baio to speak at the convention. I will give you a minute to Google who that is. To tell you how irrelevant Scott Baio is, I had to have his name phonetically spelled in the teleprompter because it looks like ‘by-o.'” – James Corden

“There was drama this afternoon as the Stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn’t be forced to vote for Trump on the first ballot, and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from Colorado just walked out. And look at what time the Colorado delegates walked out — 4:20, my friends! This is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort told reporters that, quote, ‘Once Donald Trump is accepted by the American people as someone who can be president, the race will be over with.’ By which I assume he meant the human race.” – Seth Meyers

“You may not know this but you’re not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. That’s like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night Trump and Pence gave their first joint interview on ’60 Minutes’ — of course, the same amount of time Trump spent learning about Mike Pence before choosing him.” – Stephen Colbert

“Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night, Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on ’60 Minutes’. And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, ‘walk into the president’s office, close the door, and share my heart.’ Even the guys on ‘The Bachelorette’ were like, ‘GROSS!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned ‘Moneybags McPantsuit’.” – Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from July 15, 2016]

“I want to thank everyone for taking a break from Pokémon to tune in tonight. It’s just everywhere. In fact it’s been reported now that Pokémon is getting ready to launch in Russia, and President Vladimir Putin looks like he’s already having a good time with it, ‘Tell me where your friends are Pikachu.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump said yesterday that he has not played Pokémon, but wishes he had the time to try it out. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is walking around his neighborhood in Birkenstocks going, ‘I just got to level 20!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday members of Congress left Washington for a seven-week vacation. Even the Kardashians are like, ‘From what?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now that Congress is on vacation, we’re just weeks away from the awkward moment when Mitch McConnell comes back from Jamaica with his hair braided. ‘McConnell’s got his groove back, y’all!'” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from July 14, 2016]

“Donald Trump is expected to officially announce his running mate at an event tomorrow and all week reports said it was down to three finalists: Mike Pence, Chris Christie, or those two candidates combined, Newt Gingrich.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich praised Donald Trump in a new interview and said he’s like a figure out of a movie. Yeah, he’s the monkey from ‘Outbreak.'” – Seth Meyers

“A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump’s people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, ‘For the last time, I’m Whoopi Goldberg.'” – Seth Meyers

“CBS News has learned that Donald Trump has chosen Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. Now, it turns out when the story that Trump picked him was being reported, Trump hadn’t called Mike Pence yet. So Mike, if you are watching, ‘Surprise!'” – Stephen Colbert

“According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, ‘Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.'” – Conan O’Brien

“In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent.” – Stephen Colbert

“A new survey shows that Donald Trump is polling at zero percent among black voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania. I don’t know. That seems a little high.” – Seth Meyers

“Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color.” – Seth Meyers

“Former quarterback Tim Tebow is scheduled to speak at next week’s Republican Convention. Trump was even going to have Tebow throw his signature hats into the crowd, but he wasn’t sure they’d make it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton’s private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don’t know.” – Stephen Colbert

“Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a ‘sadistic nurse’. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Man, I wish.'” – Conan O’Brien

“We are just a few weeks from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he wishes he had the time to play Pokémon Go. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Oh, you will.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The mayor of Rio is pleading with Nintendo to release Pokémon Go in Brazil just in time for the Olympics. He’s even introduced Rio’s own Pokémon character, ‘Zikachu’.” – Conan O’Brien