Political Irony

[Jokes from July 21, 2016]

“Last night was night three of the Republican Convention, and if you thought the first two nights were exciting — then you really need to get out more.” – James Corden

“The Republican Convention had a theme each day, and today’s was ‘Make America One Again.’ Let’s be honest, that was not the first draft.” – Seth Meyers

“The big drama last night came courtesy of Sen. Ted Cruz, who chose not to endorse Donald Trump, even though they let him give a speech. There were a lot of boos for Ted Cruz. How dare he? One of the reasons he didn’t voice his support for Trump, he reportedly has plans to run for president again in 2020. Why not? It went so well this time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz spoke in the convention last night and was loudly booed because he refused to support Donald Trump for president — and I’m surprised to learn that Ted Cruz has a backbone, considering that he has no face bones.” – Seth Meyers

“The big story of last night was that Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, despite being invited by Donald Trump, refused to endorse him in his speech and this prompted the audience to boo him. I will say Ted Cruz was completely unfazed by the booing. I think it was because he thought they were going ‘Cruuuz,’ he’s like, Thanks guys, thank you, thank you.'” – James Corden

“Following the outrage that Cruz did not endorse Trump last night, Cruz’s wife, Heidi, was escorted from the convention by security as people yelled, ‘Goldman Sachs!’ Careful, Republicans — if you say it three times, Hillary will appear.” – Seth Meyers

“A lot of people are wondering why the Trump campaign would even invite Ted Cruz to speak at the convention in the first place. It turns out Ben Carson summoned him the night before by saying the word ‘Lucifer’ three times.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It was a good day for Ben Carson. He just signed a deal to be the new face of Tylenol PM.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence gave a speech at the convention last night and even poked fun at the fact most people don’t know who he is. I guess even Donald Trump calls him ‘Vice President Hey Buddy’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Traditionally the third night of the convention is supposed to be all about the VP pick and everyone was saying that the Ted Cruz fiasco overshadowed Trump’s VP Mike Pence. Even Trump doesn’t seem to like him that much. There was an awkward moment between them at the end of Pence’s speech [shows video of air-kiss]. They greeted each other the way you greet your girlfriend’s mom the first time. You’re like, ‘Are we going to — do we — we just kiss on the lips — muah — just kiss on the lips.'” – James Corden

“Following Mike Pence’s speech last night, Donald Trump joined his running mate on stage and appeared to make an air-kiss gesture to him, and Pence tried to send Trump to a gay re-education camp.” – Seth Meyers

“I really like Trump and Pence’s chemistry. You can tell these guys have been friends since all the way back on July 18th of 2016.” – James Corden

“In Cleveland tonight, Donald Trump officially accepted the Republican nomination. Throwing ‘Make America Great’ t-shirts into the crowd — not really, but it’s kind of believable, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When he finished his speech, they dropped 125,000 balloons, poor Chris Christie spent all day blowing them up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ivanka Trump introduced her father tonight says he is color blind and gender neutral — which means that Trump cannot use the bathroom anywhere.” – Seth Meyers

“The Democrats support special labeling for GMO foods. Republicans support teen abstinence programs. So they can compromise, and now, teens have to wear labels telling everyone they’re virgins.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Republicans want to defund Planned Parenthood. The Democrats want to stop Donald Trump from preventing access to birth control. They compromised, and now, Planned Parenthood will hand out pictures of Donald Trump as birth control.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a new weather phenomenon, causing unusually high temperatures, expected to get up to 115 degrees in some states. So, don’t go to some of those states. And the fear is that the heat dome will turn into a thunderdome, and we’ll have to turn to Mad Max to help us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said to drink water, stay out of the sun, and check on your neighbors. Can you imagine checking on your neighbors in Los Angeles? And Donald Trump tweeting, ‘The sun is the worst. Hot, lazy, stupid, the sun is a big fat loser.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from July 20, 2016]

“A number of college professors are saying that Melania Trump’s convention speech earlier this week would classify as plagiarism in some academic settings. While in other academic settings [displays logo of Trump University], it would earn you a Ph.D. in ‘Speechinating’.” – Seth Meyers

“It’s the Republican Convention and Donald Trump returned to Cleveland ahead of tomorrow night’s speech. A lot of people noted that Trump was greeted by his whole family when he landed, except for his wife, Melania. Even weirder, Michelle Obama WAS there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the things I’ve been enjoying most about the convention, almost everyone refers to him as Donald J. Trump, like there’s another one running around. But I’ve thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. The ‘J’ is a big thing. And a lot of people don’t realize, the ‘J’ stands for Jamal.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The most unusual comments were made by former Trump rival Dr. Ben Carson. Speaking with the authority of a brain surgeon that had performed a lobotomy on himself, he said Lucifer is Hillary’s top running mate. That’s how you feel the Bern.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Paul Ryan last night told the Republican convention’s audience that they can get through next week’s Democratic convention with a little help from the mute button. And speaking of which [displays photo of Dr. Ben Carson], the mute button also gave a speech last night.” – Seth Meyers

“A good thing they have a doctor there because some members of the convention contracted the norovirus, losing bowel control. It’s basically what happened to Chris Christie after walking off stage when he endorsed Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

[Jokes from July 19, 2016]

“Melania Trump is being accused of plagiarism because paragraphs of her speech last night closely mirror Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2008 Democratic convention. Said Melania, ‘That’s ridiculous. I worked on that speech for four score and seven years.'” – Seth Meyers

“Melania did it: She found something less original than being a model married to an old billionaire.” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort said today that Melania’s speech was similar to Michelle Obama’s because they must feel the same way about their families. Then Melania said, ‘Yes, especially my daughters, Sasha and Malia.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story last night was Melania Trump’s speech, and a lot of experts are saying that she borrowed a large chunk of it from a speech that Michelle Obama gave at the Democratic convention in 2008. Trump came to his wife’s defense, and said that he’s always been on her side from his days as a community organizer in Chicago, all the way back to being the first black male senator from Illinois.” – James Corden

“If any of these jokes sound old, it’s because Michelle Obama used them in 2008.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said today that whoever wrote Melania Trump’s speech should be fired. ‘Fine, I’ll pack up my desk,’ said Michelle.” – Seth Meyers

No one has lost their jobs [over the Melania speech incident]. If only there was someone in the Trump campaign who enjoyed firing people …” – Stephen Colbert

“Chris Christie promising terrifying show trials before a mindless, screaming mob, with no representation for the defense. Spooky or not spooky?” – Stephen Colbert

“Today Donald Trump officially won the Republican nomination. Which makes the entrance he made last night at the convention even more spectacular. Donald said he wanted his entrance to be like his plans for the economy: foggy and mysterious.” – James Corden

“What’s really interesting is that he came out to the Queen song ‘We are the Champions.’ I would have gone with a different Queen song: “I See a Little Silhouette-o of a Man.'” – James Corden

“What I don’t understand is, yeah, we knew [Trump was going to be the nominee] but there was supposed to be a floor fight. Bikers chain-whipping the Rules Committee. Ted Cruz trying to cut out Reince Priebus’ eyeball with a broken bottle. We were promised excitement! But none of that happened. They voted. He got it. That’s it.” – Stephen Colbert

“The moment Donald Trump secured the nomination [at the Republican convention] — got the number of delegates that sent him over the top — the celebration kicked off in style with a giant gold screen that declared ‘Over the Top,’ which was either declaring victory or indicating the direction Trump combs his hair. – Stephen Colbert

“Of course, the convention’s going all week. And I saw that it actually has a different theme each night. That’s right, the themes are ‘Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this week’s Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind his mom’s leg.” – Seth Meyers

“A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary was actually campaigning in Las Vegas today. Which is crazy, ‘cuz usually when Hillary gambles, it involves national security.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Right now the New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she’s excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from July 18, 2016]

“Quicken Loans Arena, home to the NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers, is hosting the Republican Convention this week. And just like the Cavs’ starting lineup, the convention is expected to have four black people.” – Seth Meyers

“The Republican National Convention started today — and we’re now just a week away from the Democratic Convention. Both have an important case to make: Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift?” – Jimmy Fallon

“After what seems like nine years, tonight is finally the first night of the Republican National Convention and they are bringing out the big guns. So be careful — they’re Republicans.” – James Corden

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a ‘bad loser.’ Said Jeb, ‘Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!'” – Seth Meyers

“The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven’t been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has selected mega-star Scott Baio to speak at the convention. I will give you a minute to Google who that is. To tell you how irrelevant Scott Baio is, I had to have his name phonetically spelled in the teleprompter because it looks like ‘by-o.'” – James Corden

“There was drama this afternoon as the Stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn’t be forced to vote for Trump on the first ballot, and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from Colorado just walked out. And look at what time the Colorado delegates walked out — 4:20, my friends! This is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort told reporters that, quote, ‘Once Donald Trump is accepted by the American people as someone who can be president, the race will be over with.’ By which I assume he meant the human race.” – Seth Meyers

“You may not know this but you’re not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. That’s like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night Trump and Pence gave their first joint interview on ’60 Minutes’ — of course, the same amount of time Trump spent learning about Mike Pence before choosing him.” – Stephen Colbert

“Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night, Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on ’60 Minutes’. And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, ‘walk into the president’s office, close the door, and share my heart.’ Even the guys on ‘The Bachelorette’ were like, ‘GROSS!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned ‘Moneybags McPantsuit’.” – Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.” – Seth Meyers

[Jokes from July 15, 2016]

“I want to thank everyone for taking a break from Pokémon to tune in tonight. It’s just everywhere. In fact it’s been reported now that Pokémon is getting ready to launch in Russia, and President Vladimir Putin looks like he’s already having a good time with it, ‘Tell me where your friends are Pikachu.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump said yesterday that he has not played Pokémon, but wishes he had the time to try it out. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is walking around his neighborhood in Birkenstocks going, ‘I just got to level 20!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday members of Congress left Washington for a seven-week vacation. Even the Kardashians are like, ‘From what?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Now that Congress is on vacation, we’re just weeks away from the awkward moment when Mitch McConnell comes back from Jamaica with his hair braided. ‘McConnell’s got his groove back, y’all!'” – Jimmy Fallon