Political Irony

[Jokes from Aug 1, 2016]

“The New York Post yesterday published several nude photos of Melania Trump that were taken during her modeling days. Trump’s communications adviser said the photos are a ‘celebration of the human body as art’. To me they look more like a celebration of the human body as a paycheck, but OK — art.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In any other election, nude photos of the candidate’s wife would be far and away the biggest story of the campaign. It would be crazy. For Donald Trump this isn’t even a blip. By Wednesday we’ll never hear about this again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this. I remember many, many, many years back when they pulled the same move with Eleanor Roosevelt. Bernie Sanders has a copy of that hidden under his mattress.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Many veterans’ families are speaking out against Donald Trump after he began attacking the parents of a Muslim-American soldier, calling Trump repugnant. Said Trump, ‘I’m the most repugnant. No one is more repugnant than me. Real quick, what does repugnant mean?'” – Seth Meyers

“Last Thursday at the Democratic convention, the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier criticized Donald Trump, and over the weekend, he repeatedly lashed out at them — which got me thinking, is there anyone Donald Trump won’t attack if they say bad things about him?” – Stephen Colbert

“After Army father Khizr Khan’s convention speech in which he pulled out a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution, sales on Amazon have skyrocketed, making it the second most purchased book. The first is ‘How to Move to Canada’.” – Seth Meyers

“A pocket Constitution is perfect for Trump, because it will look regular sized in his tiny hands.” – Seth Meyers

“A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing.” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump was asked about his cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin and claimed unbelievably that he couldn’t even remember if he’d met Putin or not. Yeah, no offense, but I think I want a president who would remember meeting Vladimir Putin. How many shark-eyed shirtless equestrians do you know?” – Seth Meyers

“This entire campaign, Trump’s made us forget about his crazy statements by saying something even crazier. It’s the like the old woman who swallowed a fly, only Trump would never be seen with an older woman.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mike Pence is finding out that being Trump’s VP is like being a fireman who has an arsonist as a roommate.” – Seth Meyers

“There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left … period.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said ‘Agree!’ without really reading them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The summer Olympics start this Friday, and I read that the organizing committee will stay aboard a docked cruise ship called ‘The Getaway’, which will act as a floating hotel. ‘Cuz nothing makes you feel safer about the Olympics than the organizers staying in a getaway boat. ‘You kids have fun! We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can’t wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s alleged that almost 100 athletes are suspected of using banned substances in the 2008 and 2012 Olympics. And they suspect many athletes this year, too, because anyone who wants to go to the Rio Olympics has to be on drugs.” – James Corden

“Ninety-eight athletes in the last two Olympics are suspected of doping, or as it’s technically called, ‘wanting it more’.” – James Corden

“At this point, they should just make peeing in a cup into an Olympic sport. Just let everyone do drugs. Everyone doing drugs is a fair playing field. What’s more exciting than a nine-second 100-meter dash? A three-second 100-meter dash.” – James Corden

“This week, Hillary Clinton’s running mate Tim Kaine spoke at the Democratic convention and some people online said he came off as a corny dad. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘The student has become the master.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Turns out Melania Trump’s professional website has been deleted following allegations that she lied about graduating from college. She just deleted the whole thing. As if copying Michelle Obama wasn’t enough, now she’s copying Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon

[Jokes from July 27, 2016]

“Tonight, President Obama is going to make a speech trying to convince people to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump. It’s a speech entitled, ‘I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The first sentence of Bill Clinton’s speech was “In the spring of 1971, I met a girl.” You can imagine the relief in the room when they realized he was talking about Hillary.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night Bill Clinton said the first two times he proposed to Hillary, she said no. Clinton then said, “So let’s stop all this talk about Hillary’s bad judgement.” – Conan O’Brien

“After Michelle Obama’s speech where she said the White House was built by slaves, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly said the slaves who built the White House were “well fed” and had “decent lodging.” Leave it to Fox News to provide a fair and balanced view of slavery.” – Conan O’Brien

[Jokes from July 26, 2016]

“Of course, it’s the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting ‘I’m With Her!’ Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Experts are saying that the highlight of the Democratic Convention’s first night was Michelle Obama’s speech. In fact, Melania Trump said she already knows it by heart.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Democrats have had some impressive speakers so far. Last night Michelle Obama delivered her second convention speech of the week. The first lady made a very powerful point. She noted that she and her husband wake up every day in a house built by slaves. To which Donald Trump replied, ‘Really? Can I get the name of your contractor?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Michelle gave a really big speech last night. But she wasn’t the only one. Bernie Sanders gave the final speech of the night, which kept being delayed by applause. Bernie was like, ‘Please stop with the clapping! You’ll make the lights go off and on!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders said that he knows people are disappointed in the results of the primaries, saying, ‘I think it’s fair to say nobody is more disappointed than I am.’ At which point, Jeb Bush threw his empty Hagen Daazs container at the TV.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bernie Sanders supporters were so angry last night that they booed each mention of Hillary Clinton’s name, and even booed the pastor leading the pre-convention prayer. Of course, this was Philadelphia. Booing is just how people exhale.” – Seth Meyers

“It was a big night for Bernie Sanders. You could tell. For the the first time ever it appears he combed his hair.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Boyz II Men opened up the Democratic Convention yesterday performing their hit ‘Motown Philly.’ Then they closed it out with Bernie Sanders singing ‘It’s so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democrats held a roll call vote today to formally elect Hillary Clinton as their party’s nominee. Delegates had the option of voting either ‘no’ or ‘ugh, fine.'” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party in the United States, which even if she doesn’t win is going to look great on her resume.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If Hillary wins, it will be interesting to see because Bill Clinton would be our nation’s first first man. Which is interesting. We’ve had a first man on the moon, a first man to climb Mount Everest, a first man to run a four-minute mile. Nobody ever thought to be just the first man. I guess Adam maybe was the first first man.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bill Clinton spoke tonight. He was the major speaker of the evening. Of course he strongly supported his wife to be our next president. In a surprise move he asked Melania Trump to be his first lady.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, shortly before we taped the show, Hillary Clinton became the first female presidential nominee of a major party. So now little girls everywhere can say, ‘One day I’m gonna grow up and run against an insane reality TV star.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, ‘Trump’s entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial.’ Trump called her ‘stupid’ then said, ‘But wait there’s more…” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that 19 out of the 31 apartment buildings in the Rio Olympic Village are not ready yet. Today, Rio organizers asked, ‘How does everybody feel about a ‘Fall Olympics’?'” – Conan O’Brien