“President Obama is planning to break up his vacation in Martha’s Vineyard by returning to D.C. for two days for meetings. Yeah, two days away from his family vacation – or as that’s also known, a ‘vacation’. If you’ve been on vacation, then you know.” – Jimmy Fallon “President Obama’s approval rating is now at […]
“Politics: ‘Poli’, a Latin word meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” “Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently — and for the same reasons.” “The Second Amendment: It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!” “You […]
“Tonight is our 100th episode. To celebrate, people sent us flowers and a big cake – which I immediately passed on to Rob Ford and Chris Christie. We couldn’t have done it without them.” – Jimmy Fallon “Of course, we’re not the only ones celebrating. President Obama turned 53 years old today. Obama blew out […]
“Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to sue President Obama for abusing his executive powers. Experts are calling this a meaningless political stunt that’s a huge waste of taxpayer money, while Congress is saying, ‘Yep. That’s what we do.’” – Jimmy Fallon “The House voted 225-201 to sue President Obama. That’s the bad news. The […]
“In Washington the House passed a bill today to go forward with a lawsuit against President Obama. Who says Congress can’t get anything done? They’re suing the president.” – Jimmy Kimmel “President Obama is facing repeated calls for his impeachment because of the immigration crisis at the border. But yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said […]
“U.S. intelligence now says that the Malaysian flight was definitely taken down by Russian separatists. But those Russians, they stick with that Soviet propaganda shit. Putin said today ‘no, it’s because one of the passengers turned on their cell phones. Either that or Pussy Riot shot it down.’” – Bill Maher “There’s a twelve hour […]
© Ted Rall Despite the economic recovery, 35% of Americans have debts and unpaid bills that have been reported to collections agencies. That’s because most of the recovery has been funneled to the richest. But at least there is one business that is booming.
“Yesterday, a judge said that Obamacare is an acceptable substitute for state-run health insurance. He actually said that, ‘It’s just like Domino’s being a substitute for Pizza Hut.’ Then, Americans said, ‘Well, either way, it’s taken you guys way longer than 30 minutes to deliver it, so give us our free healthcare.’” – Jimmy Fallon […]
“I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.” – Jimmy Fallon “Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is […]
“President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, ‘Because he’d make me look AMAZING.’” – Jimmy Fallon “In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden ‘would be a superb president.’ In a related story, […]
© Tom Tomorrow I look forward to seeing panel four more often, on the real news.
“Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israelis agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food – how Jewish is that? ‘We’re going to attack you, but first you should eat.’” – Bill Maher “Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the […]
“This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, ‘Hey, my record slurs for itself.’” – Jimmy Fallon “People love the new Pope, but I think it’s safe to say he’s gone crazy. […]
“President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, ‘Look, we’ll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.’” – Jimmy Fallon “This week Dick Cheney called President Obama ‘the worst president of […]
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