“At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, ‘Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend.’ He didn’t say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election.” – Conan O’Brien “Over the weekend President Obama told Americans […]
“The head of the TSA is stepping down after more than four years on the job. Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.” – Jimmy Fallon “TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is […]
According to Nate Silver, the Republicans now have a 73% chance of taking over the Senate (that’s a whopping 46 point lead). So Barack Obama will face a hostile Congress, including a Senate that probably won’t confirm any of his nominees. But in this video, Hillary Clinton (or at least, someone playing her) finds something […]
“The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called ‘Operation Inherent Resolve.’ They came up with that name using ‘Operation Random Thesaurus’.” – Jimmy Fallon “The Pentagon has picked ‘Operation Inherent Resolve’ as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that […]
“During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn’t winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, ‘Well, not with THAT attitude.’” – Jimmy Fallon “A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty […]
“North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance yesterday in over 40 days. But since he saw his shadow, that now means 60 more years of nuclear winter.” – Jimmy Fallon “For the last two months evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been missing. Well, apparently he is back in […]
“President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats said, ‘You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he’s not trying to campaign for us.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Last week was the big fundraiser for President Obama hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. It was hosted at her house. And people […]
“It’s reported that President Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. It will backfire when the terrorists there say, ‘We’re not going out there. Those new terrorists are scary! I got four meals a day here and I get my nails done. I like it here.’” – Jimmy Fallon […]
“They just announced that the budget deficit has shrunk to only $486 billion, which is the lowest it’s been since President Obama took office. Obama said, ‘Well, I guess we’ll just have to work harder … Wait, is that good news?’” – Jimmy Fallon “They’re getting ready for Halloween at the White House. The pumpkins […]
“A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama’s time in office as a failure. While the rest said, ‘You saw him in his office? When?’” – Jimmy Fallon “Obama was actually in his office yesterday. He met with his Secret Service director to talk about the recent White House security breaches. […]
OMG! Stephen Colbert is hilarious: He even cracks himself up a few times.
“Today is Vladimir Putin’s 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him.” – Jimmy Fallon “Today is Russian President Vladimir Putin’s birthday, as those of you who are friends with him on Facebook know.” – Jimmy Kimmel “Vladimir Putin turned 62 years old today. It must be […]
“Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson’s first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I’m guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty.” – Jimmy Fallon “Julia Pierson hopped over the fence and turned in her resignation.” – David Letterman […]
Some Fear Ebola Outbreak Could Make Nation Turn to Science by Andy Borowitz NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—There is a deep-seated fear among some Americans that an Ebola outbreak could make the country turn to science. In interviews conducted across the nation, leading anti-science activists expressed their concern that the American people, wracked with anxiety […]
“After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she’ll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open … literally.” – Jimmy Fallon […]
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