“Hillary Clinton wrote an op-ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, ‘Why didn’t you just say that in a speech?’ and she said, ‘Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in […]
[from satirist Andy Borowitz] Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually […]
“In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.” – Jimmy Fallon “The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week’s interview, Jenner said he’s a woman who is transitioning […]
“At the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked first lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Michelle answered, ‘Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart.’” – Jimmy Fallon “At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.” – David Letterman […]
“Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.” – Jimmy Fallon “Today is Earth Day. So this year I’m finally gonna do it. I’m gonna find out what the blue trash […]
“Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.” – Jimmy Fallon “They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many […]
“Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah’s Witnesses finally got fed up and said, ‘Get lost. Get out of here!’” – David Letterman “Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.” – David Letterman “Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people […]
On his plans for his remaining time in office: “After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‘Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration — bucket. New climate regulations — bucket. It’s the right thing to do.” […]
“Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.” – David Letterman “Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years […]
Just where in the Bible does it tell you to hate people? This message brought to you by Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian!
“Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’” – Conan O’Brien “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm […]
I loved the Key and Peele skit from a few years ago, but here’s a new version, this time starring the real Obama: It gets off to a slow start, but I loved the ending, so watch the whole thing. And if you never watched the original, click the link above.
“Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She’s going to join the all-female cast of ‘Ghost Busters’.” – Conan O’Brien “Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.” – Conan O’Brien “Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. […]
“Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica’s such a beautiful place, Obama says he can’t wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.” – Jimmy Fallon “In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia […]
“Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.” – Jimmy Fallon “John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to […]
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