“The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, ‘Let’s be honest. I probably won’t make it out of Philly.’” – Conan O’Brien “The Pope is coming to America tomorrow. When the Pope’s plane lands in the United States, President Obama […]
[this story is from The Onion, but it hardly seems satirical.] ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this […]
“Over on the Democratic side, people are starting to get worried about Hillary Clinton’s slow response to all the negative headlines about her. When asked if that was a valid criticism, Hillary was like, ‘No.’ … ‘It’s not.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Bernie Sanders popularity is surprising because he’s a self-described socialist, who would also be […]
“At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. ‘I wasn’t anywhere near that dude.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Jeb Bush admitted he smoked pot 40 years ago. And Ben Carson was like, […]
“If you’re watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!” – Jimmy Fallon “Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching ‘The Bachelorette.’” – Conan O’Brien “Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate […]
“Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn’t using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher.” – Jimmy Fallon “Last night Donald Trump had a big rally at the American Airline center in Dallas. Thousands of people came […]
“On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It’s too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race.” – Jimmy Fallon [I love this joke – iron] “Just 100 days into his candidacy, Rick Perry […]
“President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon “At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, […]
“In a new CNN poll released this morning, Donald Trump is still on top, 32 percent among Republican voters, far ahead of his nearest rival. There’s a reason Donald Trump is on top of the CNN poll and that is because he’s constantly on CNN. If CNN and Fox and MSNBC and everyone ran nonstop […]
“According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you’re about to be spontaneous. ‘Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 … Boo!’” – […]
“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin supported Donald Trump’s immigration policies and said that when immigrants are in the U.S., they should ‘speak American’. Then immigrants were like, ‘You first’.” – Jimmy Fallon “Political insiders are saying that Donald Trump’s continued popularity is causing Mitt Romney to consider entering the GOP primary race. Wow, Mitt […]
“Donald Trump has finally signed the Republican pledge saying that he will not run as a third party candidate if he doesn’t win the Republican nomination. He signed it ‘Jeb Bush’.” – Jimmy Fallon “Trump really signed the pledge with his own name, but take a look at this. He signed it in Sharpie. Even […]
“In an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he has no plans to endorse Donald Trump. When asked if he’d have a change of heart, Cheney was like, ‘Yes, every week’.” – Jimmy Fallon “Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And […]
“The State Department just released another batch of Hillary’s e-mails from when she was Secretary of State. In the e-mails, Hillary asked an aide what time ‘The Good Wife’ was on, how to charge her iPad, and how to get wi-fi. Hillary sounds less like the Secretary of State and more like my mom at […]
“At the end of his speech, Kanye West announced that he’s running for president in 2020. He announced he’s running for president after smoking a bunch of weed. Then Obama was like, ‘Been there!’” – Jimmy Fallon “According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. […]
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