“It was 123 degrees in Minnesota. How far is Al Gore going to take this global warming hoax?” – Bill Maher
“123 degrees in Minnesota? Michele Bachmann’s husband went in the closet just for the shade.” – Bill Maher
“It was so hot in Iowa that Michele Bachmann couldn’t tell if her headache was a migraine or a brain freeze from her Slurpee.” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann was in the news this week for her migraines. They say she gets terrible migraines. Some people say as often as once a week she is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she’s perfectly fine.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin is becoming a grandmother again (or for the first time, who knows). It’s not Bristol – Bristol, of course, is re-saving herself for marriage. This is Palin’s oldest son Track. His wife is pregnant. They got married two months ago, and now she looks like she’s six months pregnant. So you do the math, because certainly the Palins can’t.” – Bill Maher
“What is it with this family and pregnancy? Do they not have condoms up there in Alaska? When they say ‘don’t retreat, reload,’ they are not fucking around. I think they think abstinence is Latin for ‘no anal.” – Bill Maher
“Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, which is kind of sad because the only other person who knew Huntsman was running for president was the campaign manager.” – Jay Leno
“In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they’ll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a ‘debt ceiling deal’ for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, ‘But if I can’t have that – iPad.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama’s calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side’s policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side’s policy is ‘I’ll be at my mother’s.'” – Bill Maher
“Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, ‘Can they say yes to anything?” A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said ‘no.’ What is the Democrats’ next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?” – Bill Maher
“I’m sick of this. Every week’s it’s the same story. Our news is so monotonous, when Rupert Murdoch taps our phones, he just lets the machine pick up.” – Bill Maher
“Did you see Rupert Murdoch testifying before parliament in London this week? And his Chinese-born ninja wife? Did you see that, when the guy had the pie and she sprung into action? That’s what I call a tiger MILF. That’s the mystery of Asians to me. Lightening quick with cat-like reflexes, until they get behind the wheel.” – Bill Maher
“‘Captain America’ is set in the 1940s, when people thought smoking was healthy and for breakfast, they would eat bacon smothered in beef fat with a side of asbestos.” – Craig Ferguson
“Back then, America had a ruined economy and was fighting wars with two different countries. It was a totally different time.” – Craig Ferguson
“Captain America is patriotic. Of course, Superman wore the American colors, but he wasn’t born here — much like our president.” – Craig Ferguson
“Captain America isn’t just patriotic, he’s also a real captain in the armed forces, not a made-up captain, like Captain Crunch.” – Craig Ferguson
“In Washington, the air quality today was described as ‘red.’ I’d never heard that. ‘Red,’ somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what ‘red’ is? It’s bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it’s just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that’s called a Republican budget.” – Bill Maher
