“The Republican presidential field is an embarrassment of riches. In fact, the first two words that come to mind are ’embarrassment’ and ‘rich’.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That’s what happens when you don’t get a little pornography every now and then.” – David Letterman
“Newt’s been struggling in the polls, he lost most of his staff, then he lost the rest of his staff. And to top it off, he lost the startup disc for his wife.” – Stephen Colbert
“Sarah Palin’s son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven’t picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too.” – Jay Leno
“A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, ‘Hire that kid on the spot.'” – Jay Leno
“Rupert Murdoch is 80, his wife is 42. 80 and 42, that’s like halftime at a Cleveland Cavaliers game, isn’t it? Please.” – Jay Leno
“The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, ‘Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you’re thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.” – Craig Ferguson
“I don’t remember much of the moon landing. I was only 7 years old at the time, and was busy with school work. And by ‘school work,’ I mean I was drunk.” – Craig Ferguson
“The crew of Atlantis brought an iPhone into space to track their experiments. I think that by ‘track their experiments,’ they mean ‘play Angry Birds.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Here is your federal government at work – the FAA has ordered a helicopter pilot who runs his own one-pilot charter company. It’s his company, he’s the only pilot. They’ve ordered him to give himself random surprise drug tests. He has to surprise himself with a drug test. They only way you can do that is if you are on drugs.” – Jay Leno
“Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy.” – David Letterman
“A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a ‘vicious battle’ before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.'” – Jimmy Fallon
