“We are having in this country, America, supposedly a first world nation, an argument about whether we should pay our bills. And the Republicans – the conservative party – says no. Paying bills is for squares, man. That whole ‘money’ thing is a trap. Their economic plan is like, we’re hitchhiking to a Phish concert, and if we get a ride from a trucker and he asks us to chip in for gas, we’ll just give him a hand job.” – Bill Maher
“I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama is starting to get tough. He said he’s reached his limit and he will not give in on his debt ceiling position even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold. ‘We’ve got to save Obama’s presidency.'” – Jay Leno
“I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen.” – Bill Maher
“According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, ‘A no-name Republican? That’s me. I could win! I’m the new President?'” – Jay Leno
“Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for why liberals don’t like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it’s not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs.” – Bill Maher
“And when I point out that Sarah Palin is a vainglorious braggart, a liar, a whiner, a professional victim … a know it all, a chiseler, a bully who sells patriotism like a pimp, and the leader of a strange family of inbred weirdoes straight out of The Hills Have Eyes, that’s not sexist. I’m saying it because it’s true, not because it’s true of a woman.” – Bill Maher
“Michele Bachmann proudly tells the story of how she has no desire to become a tax lawyer, but her husband commanded her to. That’s right, he commanded her to become a tax lawyer, and what are you going to do. It says so right in the bible. She quotes it, ‘wives you are to be submissive to your husbands,’ and I’m the sexist? That’s weird, but you know what’s really weird? Michele Bachmann tells her husband I’ll do anything you want me to do, and his response isn’t let’s have a three way or I want to cover you in Cool Whip. It’s I want you to be a tax lawyer. That is some sick twisted shit.” – Bill Maher
“Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They’re fixing a stretch of the roadway. It’s an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann’s husband thinks about sex with his wife.” – Bill Maher
“Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western ‘The Last Stand.’ It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In last night’s 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it’s meaningless.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since ‘New Mexico’ is already taken.” – Jay Leno
“Ann Coulter canceled her appearance on Piers Morgan’s show at the last minute and now she’s banned her for life. I know, I was also like, ‘I don’t care.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Rule: Now that the social network ‘Google +’ has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn’t really understand the concept of ‘friendship.'” – Bill Maher
“It’s so tough to get tickets for the new ‘Harry Potter’ movie that Rupert Murdoch had to hack into MovieFone.” – Craig Ferguson
