“Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Spain’s running of the bulls is not nearly as scary as the U.S. event, the running of Sarah Palin.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called ‘Unscented.'” – David Letterman
“It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it’s apparently over 500 pages long — and that’s just the dedication to his kids.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.” – Jay Leno
“The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don’t worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they’ll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.” – Jay Leno
”If Social Security checks don’t go out on August 3, it’s just old people. You know how they are. They’re just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips.” – Jon Stewart
“It looks like we’ll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming.” – David Letterman
“According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they’re called ‘philosophy majors.'” – Jay Leno
“New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache.” – David Letterman
“According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was ‘Death to America?'” – Jay Leno
