“A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while.” – David Letterman
“Blagojevich could do 300 years — unless he’s pardoned by Oprah.” – David Letterman
“Glenn Beck gave his last show. After Oprah and Beck, the only emotional woman on TV is me.” – Craig Ferguson
“Supposedly, they let Beck go because he alienated the sponsors. I would never do that. In fact, I hang out on the weekend with the ShamWow guy.” – Carig Ferguson
“Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. That would be a great endorsement.” – David Letterman
“California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children?” – Conan O’Brien
“North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, ‘spring break.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese.” – David Letterman
