“The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22.” – David Letterman
“The preacher who predicted the apocalypse last weekend now predicts that the world will end in October. It’s the first time that someone’s end-of-the-world prediction was followed by ‘Have a great summer.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? “I’ll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5.” – Jay Leno
“The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31.” – Jay Leno
“Some people sold all they’re possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They’re idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Apparently the Rapture is being produced by the same people that produced ‘Spider-Man the Musical.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Oprah’s show is ending. I tried to get my doctor to euthanize me, but the co-pay was ridiculous.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The rumor is that Maria Shriver is the one who leaked the story of Arnold’s love child to the press. Evidently she got the idea of leaking things secretly from Arnold.” – Conan O’Brien
“Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He’s very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself.” – David Letterman
“In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling.” – David Letterman
“Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.” – Jay Leno
“Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, announced that he’s running for president. And this is cool — if his campaign isn’t over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to Osama bin Laden’s journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people.” – Jay Leno
