“President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news – not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi.” – Jay Leno
“The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s bedroom. Must have been tricky. It’s hard enough to hide porn from one wife.” – Craig Ferguson
“Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.” – Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he’s taken away from every other child in California.” – Craig Ferguson
“You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t know that ‘love child’ is an accurate term. I’d call it an ‘oh crap’ child.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I guess ‘love child’ is a nicer term than ‘OK-Maria’s-asleep child.’ The woman was an employee. I’m not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold’s staff.” – Craig Ferguson
“Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF.” – Craig Ferguson
“I’m Conan O’Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.” – Conan O’Brien
“There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I mean – when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord – you’d think that would be a sign.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.” – David Letterman
“Trump won’t run for president. I’m thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession.” – David Letterman
“I’m disappointed that Trump isn’t running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him.” – David Letterman
“Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O’Brien said, ‘Don’t fall for that.'” – David Letterman
“I mention Newt Gingrich is running for President, nothing. I mention Donald Trump is not running, you go crazy. Think a minute. Which campaign would have made you happier?” – David Letterman
