“President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, ‘Oh, great. NOW what’s Oprah going to do for her last guest?'” – David Letterman
“The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden’s compound, including a diary. I didn’t know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven’t read the diary yet because they can’t find the little key to open it up.” – Craig Ferguson
“Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that’s very sweet, isn’t it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of ‘Mamma Mia.’ He briefly considered joining the cast of ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Isn’t it odd how history’s greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer.” – Craig Ferguson
“Pakistan’s Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he’d been having an affair for 5 years … with Osama bin Laden.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he’s improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, ‘That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you … like MySpace or Friendster.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno
“According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, ‘Yeah, that’s why I’m always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is “Let’s Just See What Would Happen.” – Conan O’Brien
“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year — 1996.” – David Letterman
“An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I’ve heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind.” – Jay Leno
