“The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore.” – Jay Leno
“The White House described the relationship between the United States and Pakistan as ‘complicated.’ In fact it’s so complicated that the U.S. just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and T-shirts back.” – Conan O’Brien
“The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.” – Jay Leno
“Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.” – Jay Leno
“Pakistan has 3 of Osama’s wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania.” – David Letterman
“Bin Laden had Viagra in his medicine cabinet, but he didn’t take any with him into the afterlife, so 66 of the virgins are still on standby.” – David Letterman
“Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle.” – Jay Leno
“Bin Laden liked watching old footage of himself on video. The only thing he couldn’t bear to watch, footage of his old 10 o’clock show.” – Jay Leno
“Al Qaeda has released an audio tape by bin Laden made this afternoon. ‘Glugguuguuuugllgluuug.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s approval ratings have already started to go down again. We’re so fickle. Basically, we’re saying, who have you shot for us lately?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Why are we listening to the Bush administration people [trying to take credit]? They didn’t get bin Laden. They’re like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama.” – Jon Stewart
“The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It’s kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you’re like, ‘We will fight you until the end! Of May!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can’t be terrorists — unless you’re sitting next to one on a flight.” – Jay Leno
“In Iran 25 of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s associates have been arrested and charged with being magicians and being able to summon genies. So if you’re keeping score at home, it’s believe in genies 1, believe in Holocaust 0.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It’s the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator.” – Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She’ll get the house in Malibu and he’ll be moving back to Skull Island.” – David Letterman
“The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don’t know how they ever started communicating.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They gave it a shot, but that’s what happens when you marry outside of your species.” – David Letterman
“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arnold is being a guy about it, saying ‘I’ll be back — for my things.'” – David Letterman
“Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, ‘Hasta la vista, half of my stuff.'” – Craig Ferguson
“They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world.” – Craig Ferguson
“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s going back to acting, but what kind of movies? ‘Conan the Octogenarian?’ ‘Occasional Recall?’ ‘Tinkle All the Way?’ I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I’m not a teacher in California.” – Craig Ferguson
“California is a very tough state to govern. We can’t even control Lindsay Lohan.” – Craig Ferguson
“What would happen if the Obamas split up? Would Barack have to move out of the White House, into a one-bedroom with 27 Secret Service men?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton is at a summit in Greenland with leaders of 7 Arctic countries. Obama said, ‘Send the Ice Queen. Make it so.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin.” – Jimmy Fallon
”There is little doubt what Trump’s eventual announcement will be because he’s already decided to run in his mind. That means he’s a shoe-in because that’s where all his supporters are.” – Stephen Colbert
”He has a great relationship with ‘the blacks.’ He must. How else could he get away with calling them ‘the blacks?'” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won ‘Apprentice.’ Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.” – Conan O’Brien
“I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of … the same.” – Craig Ferguson
