“President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what’s up.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that’s coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. And it didn’t help that every two seconds, Joe Biden kept saying, ‘Are we there yet?'” – Craig Ferguson
“The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we’re going to pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, ‘Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'” – Conan O’Brien
“They have released videos found in Osama bin Laden’s compound. Apparently, bin Laden dyed his beard black to look younger. It’s probably pretty much washed off by now.” – Jay Leno
“For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Officials say the terrorists are now going after our railways. The rail line you should really avoid is Amtrakistan.” – Jay Leno
“It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. Looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress.” – Jimmy Fallon
