“After Osama bin Laden’s death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in ‘bin Laden’ searches on Google. Which means people were going, ‘Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who’s that again?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“He’s up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, ‘I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'” – Conan O’Brien
“While promoting her ‘Let’s Move’ campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, ‘Well, I loosened it.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoot himself in the head.” – Jay Leno
“Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.” – Jay Leno
“At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, ‘the ultimate waterboarding.'” – Jay Leno
“They dumped bin Laden’s body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark.” – David Letterman
“As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be no shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden’s dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: ‘Don’t tase me, bro.'” – Jay Leno
“Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden’s compound, which explains why bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Dude . . . ‘” – Conan O’Brien
“A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn’t real, because he wasn’t being protected by the Pakistani military.” – Jay Leno
“Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ‘The View’ is writing a children’s book about Osama bin Laden’s death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: ‘Good Night, Douche,’ ‘Horton Hears a Helicopter.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about ‘American Idol.’ That really shows that we’ve won the War on Terror.” – Conan O’Brien
“Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan.” – Jay Leno
“BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, ‘our warm up spill.'” – Conan O’Brien
