Political Irony

“We finally killed bin Laden. That didn’t take too long.” – David Letterman

“The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.” – Jay Leno

“I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I’m pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. … I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.” – Stephen Colbert

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!” – Jon Stewart

“What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden.” – Jon Stewart

“There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.” – David Letterman

“President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, ‘I could have used seals?'” – Conan O’Brien

“How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.” – David Letterman

“Navy SEALS are very badass hombres. They eat bugs and poop freedom.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That’s right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans’ chances in 2012.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.'” – Jay Leno

“I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.” – Craig Ferguson

“Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn’t been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river.” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.” – Jay Leno

“Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion.” – Craig Ferguson

“After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.” – Conan O’Brien

“The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Oddly enough, bin Laden’s last words were, ‘I hope you at least use this to interrupt ‘Celebrity Apprentice.” – Jimmy Fallon

“By the way – I should point out that – on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The message is clear. President Obama is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show, so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me, Donald Trump. You’re welcome.” – Jimmy Fallon playing Donald Trump on SNL

“I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko’s.” – Conan O’Brien

“There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection – it was surrounded by security walls – the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass.” – Craig Ferguson

“This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way, ‘buried at sea’ means ‘dumped in the ocean.’ That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won’t feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed.” – Stephen Colbert

“Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden’s season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding.” – David Letterman

“Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it’s an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection.” – Jay Leno

“For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they’re going to Pakistan.” – Jay Leno