“President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country’s richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.'” – David Letterman
“Political experts are saying NBC should take ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says ‘leader of the free world’ like someone who can’t stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: ‘Vote for me, I’m not Trump.'” – Craig Ferguson
“A huge Air France Airbus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama’s speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller.” – Jay Leno
“Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama’s speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.” – Jay Leno
“If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she’ll be giving them away.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“‘Hustler’ publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien
“Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome.” – Craig Ferguson
“Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb.” – David Letterman
“They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There’s nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator.” – David Letterman
“A meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has been canceled. No word yet on how this will affect the meeting between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as ‘not African-Americans.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you’re a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen.” – Jay Leno
