“Donald Trump said he can’t make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump said he can’t run because he has the #1 show on NBC. Which is kind of like having the nicest house in Haiti.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Maybe he should ease into this, by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump is doing well in the polls. He’s in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he’s in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn’t get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats.” – Craig Ferguson
“If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in ‘Back to the Future 2,’ when Biff was in charge.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the budget. If they can’t agree, there will be a big government shutdown. What we really need is a big government shut-up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like.” – Jay Leno
“If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here’s my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If the government shuts down, 800,000 federal workers could get a call saying they’re ‘non-essential.’ Wouldn’t it be weird if 800,000 people got the same call that I get from my dad every day?” – Conan O’Brien
“If there’s a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, ‘That’s change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.'” – Jay Leno
“The White House confirmed that President Obama got a letter from Moammar Gadhafi. They wouldn’t confirm the contents of the letter, but it did end with the question, ‘Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe.'” – Conan O’Brien
“One of President Obama’s oldest friends has just been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. You can tell he’s a friend of Obama’s. Although he hired the prostitute, his grandchildren are going to have to pay for it.” – Jay Leno
“A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, ‘Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too.” –Stephen Colbert
“It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can’t do, teach.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn’t want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories.” – Jay Leno
“Toyota says they’re going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien
