“President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He’s not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He’s forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to every time we go to war.” – Jon Stewart
“President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate.” – Jay Leno
“Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain.” – Craig Ferguson
“As far as I’m concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes.” – Craig Ferguson
“I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, ‘I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because ‘SpongeBob’ was on.” – Conan O’Brien
“If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?” – Seth Meyers
“Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him.” – Jay Leno
“We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.” – Stephen Colbert
“Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it’s mostly on top of the water.” – Conan O’Brien
“Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect.” – Jay Leno
“Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Charlie Sheen’s live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The people at Charlie Sheen’s show were all mad, which I don’t understand. You paid to see a train wreck. The train wrecked. And now you’re mad about it? People walked out and wanted their money back. It reminded me a little bit of when I lost my virginity.” – Jimmy Kimmel
