“Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she’s going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?” – Bill Maher
“Michele Bachmann says she will launch her Presidential campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high school diploma.” – Jay Leno
“If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that’s two bimbos. And then there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got ‘Gilligan’s Island.'” – Bill Maher
“A new poll shows that one of the major parties in this country – I won’t tell you which one – is a majority birther party. That’s right, more than half of Republicans now think Obama was born in Kenya. They literally do not know where babies come from.” – Bill Maher
“Moammar Gadhafi says of the no-fly zone, ‘In the short term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them.’ Which is Libyan for ‘Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning.'” – Jay Leno
“For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, ‘reckless.'” – Bill Maher
“It’s so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who’s doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife.” – Bill Maher
“You got your fuckin’ bombs! What more do you need?!” – Jon Stewart
“There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He’s become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him.” – Stephen Colbert
“President Obama came back from South America and couldn’t get into the White House. The door was locked. So he called Chris Brown on his cell phone to find the best way to break a window.” – Jay Leno
“General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now.” – Jay Leno
“According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic.” – Jay Leno
“The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that.” – Jay Leno
