“The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.” – Conan O’Brien
“Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one.” – Conan O’Brien
“The U.N. is imposing a no-fly zone over Libya. Forget Libya, how about a no-fly zone over the Hello Deli?” – David Letterman
“Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went.” – Conan O’Brien
“Charlie’s two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Charlie Sheen created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called ‘The Wal-Mart of Weed.’ It’s like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, “Dude, have you seen Greg?” – Conan O’Brien
“Happy Independence Day to Texas. For 9 years, Texas was its own country. I think Texans still consider themselves another country.” – Craig Ferguson
“A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It’s so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes.” – Jimmy Fallon
