“President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.” – Jay Leno
“On the ‘Today’ show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins ‘magnificent’ and Chelsea Clinton a ‘solid young woman.’ In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama says she has gotten President Obama to stop smoking. Now, maybe she can get John Boehner to stop sobbing.” – David Letterman
“The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.” – Jay Leno
“The demonstrations are getting bigger in Cairo. The Egyptian government tried to disperse the crowd with tear gas, and when that didn’t work, a Black Eyed Peas halftime show.” – Conan O’Brien
“Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and 135 teleprompters.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Catholic Church has approved an app that let’s you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre.” – Jay Leno
“The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?” – Jay Leno
“The Catholic Church has approved an app that lets people confess their sins through their iPhones. The number one confession? Taking the Lord’s name in vain after the iPhone drops your call.” – Jay Leno
“Over 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages. You can tell which they are because their relationship status is ‘It’s simple.'” – Conan O’Brien
“G.I. Joe was created on this day in 1964, so tonight G.I. Joe’s going out with Ken to celebrate his birthday and the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” – Craig Ferguson
“A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride for 40 minutes. When they heard it, the Chilean miners said, ‘Wow, we got off easy.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes.” – Craig Ferguson
