“Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices: Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki’s book, the ‘American Idol’ judges.” – Jay Leno
“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would resign, but Egypt would then descend into chaos. Then he said, ‘Now, I have to go look out a window for the first time in two weeks.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Egyptian President Mubarak’s son Gamal will not run for President. Why would he? An unpopular President is removed from office and his inexperienced son is voted in? That could never happen.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hosni’s son Gamal Mubarak says he does not want to become President, which is just as well. If you’ve seen one Mubarak you’ve seen Gamal.” – Conan O’Brien
“Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey.” – Jay Leno
“Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn’t understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it’s like to be a mummy.” – Bill Maher
“All of the Arab potentates and their fat cat entourages are on the run. Tunisia’s president is leaving, Mubarak is not going to run for re-election, the guy in Yemen is going to leave. This is great news — not necessarily for the Middle East, but for real estate agents in Beverly Hills.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney said in an interview that Sarah Palin would be great as president. He then added, ‘ … of Egypt.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay.” – Bill Maher
“After the big snowstorm in Chicago, Mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel has been pitching in digging stranded cars out of the snow. Of course he didn’t help his campaign by telling people, ‘Thank God I don’t live here.'” – Conan O’Brien
“This is day three of the storm that has snowbliterated the United States. Finally America’s extra layer of fat comes in handy. Take that, Michelle Obama.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Joe Lieberman is writing a book about the Jewish Sabbath called “Gift of Rest.” I hear he’s been working on it 24/6.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to ‘The National Enquirer’ House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as ‘The Party of No.'” – Jay Leno
“A zoo in Britain has a gorilla that walks upright. Not only that, but he texts while he’s doing it. I heard about this. Within ten minutes we had fifty jokes, all with the same punch line. Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – David Letterman
