“Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he’ll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he won’t run for another term. The bad news is that this spring he’s taking over for Regis.” – Conan O’Brien
“The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak.” – David Letterman
“In Egypt, 2 million people are in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It’s the most-angry mob I’ve seen since the ‘Fire Dave’ rally last year.” – David Letterman
“Even Brett Favre was like, ‘Come on man, retire already, you’re embarrassing yourself.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber.” – Jay Leno
“In Egypt, the unrest continues. Is ‘unrest’ a good word? Unrest is one of the un-goodest words ever. A better way to describe what’s going on over there is that people are going nuts in Egypt.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman
“I’ve been watching a lot of the news footage, and it turns out they don’t walk like Egyptians after all. They walk regular like us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They’re also tired of having a president named Hosni.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There was a huge snowstorm in New York yesterday. I was complaining about it all day to my friend in Egypt.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chicago is expecting 20 inches of snow. Rahm Emanuel says he’s happy he doesn’t really live there.” – Jay Leno
“The owners of Chick-fil-A restaurants were very anti-gay-marriage, but now they’ve reversed their stand, In fact, today they introduced the Chick-on-Chick-fil-A.” –Jay Leno
“Astronomers say that eight years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way.” – Jay Leno
“A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won’t meet Snooki this week even though she was in D.C. Do you really need to announce that you’re not meeting with Snooki? That’s like Obama going, ‘Welcome to the State of the Union. I’d just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from ‘Teen Mom’ tomorrow.'” – Jimmy Fallon
