“A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won.” – Stephen Colbert
“A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position.” – Conan O’Brien
“MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.” – Conan O’Brien
“After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers.” – Craig Ferguson
“Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.” – Jay Leno
“Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.” – Conan O’Brien
“Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.” – Jay Leno
