“President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it’s not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it’s fun for the kids.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, ‘Todd, get my gun.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush.” – Jay Leno
“WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you.” – Jon Stewart
“WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who’s wanted for rape in Sweden, we’ll make a note of that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation.” – Jay Leno
“The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he’s some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing ‘Burlesque.'” – Jay Leno
“Former President George W. Bush said he’s a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his ‘glowing magic window.'” – Conan O’Brien
“On his book tour George W. Bush said, ‘I was a Blackberry person, and now I’m an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.’ So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn’t care about Blackberries.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years.” – Conan O’Brien
“The annual ‘Christmas Village’ in Philadelphia has been renamed the ‘Holiday Village.’ In fact, they’re not Santa’s reindeer anymore . . . They’re now ‘nondenominational venison.'” – Jay Leno
“Anderson Cooper did a show this week from inside that half-mile long drug smuggling tunnel between San Diego and Mexico. It’s quite an amazing tunnel. It has lighting, ventilation, a rail car, a Starbucks…” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sen. John McCain said it’s time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the Carrows waitress said, ‘Sir, if you don’t order now, you’re going to miss the early bird special.'” – Jay Leno
