“TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.” – David Letterman
“A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker’s hand.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some of these airport patdowns are so thorough they say you only need one every 5 years. You can get the regular patdown, but if you want to upgrade you can get what they call the Full Spitzer.” – David Letterman
“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” – Jay Leno
“Three finalists on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin’s new book can be found right next to George W. Bush’s new book in the ‘Apparently Anyone Can Write One of These’ section.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President George W. Bush has published his memoirs, called ‘Decision Points.’ Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, ‘Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12.'” – Jay Leno
“The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn’t need a pardon, it needs a job.” – Conan O’Brien
“Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them.” –Jay Leno
“There’s a new version of Rolling Stone magazine being published specifically for the Middle East. It’s called ‘Throwing Stone.'” – Conan O’Brien
