“New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino’s Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, ‘Are you sure I didn’t write these?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you.” – Jay Leno
“Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she’s behind by 13 points. That’s the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees.” – Jay Leno
“NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot…” – Jay Leno
“According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer’s new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually.” – Jay Leno
“The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted.” – Craig Ferguson
