“There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That’s what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they’d be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter ‘D’? Because it’s a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is ‘R’? Because it’s the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.” – Bill Maher
“The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can’t afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.” – Bill Maher
“A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves — but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners.” – Bill Maher
“Americans love Chilean miners. I haven’t seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom.” – Bill Maher
“One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.” – Bill Maher
“TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They asked [O’Donnell] to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.” – Bill Maher
“Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet.” – Jay Leno
“New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.” – Bill Maher
“‘Jackass 3D’ just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino.” – David Letterman
