“Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama’s 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you watch the debate with Christine O’Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn’t that good though. She’s not really a master debater.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Christine O’Donnell is trailing in the polls by 20 percent. She’ll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell.” – Craig Ferguson
“The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very intense. At one point, O’Donnell turned him into an actual wolf.” – Craig Ferguson
“The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I’ll tell you why. They don’t have a witch running.” – David Letterman
“People are saying that everything is Obama’s fault – he hasn’t dug us out of Bush’s recession and two wars fast enough. That’s the problem.” – David Letterman
“North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il.” – David Letterman
“The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that there’s no such thing as an expert in economics.” – Jay Leno
“The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times.” – Jay Leno
“In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, “Oh crap, that was yesterday?” – Jimmy Fallon
“California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That’s how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid.” – Jay Leno
