“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday President Obama told voters that he’s a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he’s a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East.” – Jay Leno
“The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don’t tell British Petroleum.” – David Letterman
“BP announced earlier today that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout.” – David Letterman
“Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O’Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they’re going to fight fire with fire.” – Jay Leno
“The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don’t try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars.” – Jay Leno
“It’s getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that’s running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It’s a two-minute ad. And here’s the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did.” – Jay Leno
“South Dakota Senator John Thune says he’s talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: ‘Who are you again?'” – Jay Leno
“Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn’t that what the recession was for?” – Jimmy Fallon
