“Christine O’Donnell doesn’t believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren’t still evolving into humans. I was like, ‘It doesn’t happen that fast.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House. Is he really quitting or just pulling a Leno?” – David Letterman
“In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was ‘Do you have a plan to fix the economy?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has written a children’s book. Why not? He’s got nothing else on his plate.” – David Letterman
“Obama’s book is called ‘The One-Term Engine That Could.'” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn’t get what they wanted should just ‘buck up.’ Of course, Joe Biden has ‘bucked up’ a number of times.” – Jay Leno
“During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he’s planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper.” – Jimmy Fallon
“While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I’m not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli.” – Jay Leno
“The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel?” – Jay Leno
“After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, ‘Jon & Kate Plus One and That’s It.'” – Jimmy Fallon
