“In Delaware, Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell won in a big upset in the primaries. She has an interesting background. Back in the 1990s, she mounted a campaign to stop masturbation. It didn’t work.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t know a lot about Christine O’Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable.” – Jay Leno
“She hates masturbation, which is ironic, because she owes her nominations to a bunch of jackoffs.” – Bill Maher
“Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell says she admires the female warriors from ‘Lord of the Rings’ but she’s against women being in the military. So women can’t fight the Taliban, but they can fight the cave trolls of Mordor.” – Craig Ferguson
“She said that during the primary, ‘I heard the audible voice of God, and he said one word: ‘credibility.’ Which is interesting, because she has no job, there’s a lien placed on her home, and she’s using campaign funds for her living expenses. Her platform is about bringing fiscal responsibility to Washington, but God said ‘credibility.’ I think what God should have said was, ‘Shut up and get a vibrator.'” – Bill Maher
“In Delaware, Christine O’Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you’re lying, he knows what he’s talking about.” – Jay Leno
“Her detractors say she’s homeless, jobless, and can’t pay her taxes. And her supporters say, ‘Finally, someone who represents the average American.'” – Bill Maher
“Christine O’Donnell, I created her. Are you kidding, we had her on ‘Politically Incorrect’ 22 times. You owe me, Christine O’Donnell. I still love her. She does not have a mean bone in her body, or any other bone in her body.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin made a high profile appearance at a Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa. She didn’t actually say she’s running for president. She just winked it in Morse code.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.” – Bill Maher
“An openly gay Saudi Arabian diplomat is seeking asylum here in the U.S. His reason: he’s an openly gay diplomat from Saudi Arabia.” – Jay Leno
“Carl Paladino, New York’s Republican candidate for governor, said that Manhattan is home to smug, self-important, pampered, liberal elitists. He sounds just like my butler.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems.” – Jay Leno
“In a new book, French first lady Carla Bruni reveals that Michelle Obama told her that she can’t stand being the first lady. You know what else I bet she can’t stand? Telling someone something in private and then seeing it in their new book.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The French Senate has outlawed the burka, giving hope to U.S. lawmakers that one day soon, we will outlaw the Snuggie.” – Jay Leno
“We will gather on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., a million-moderate march where we take to the streets to send a message to our leaders and our national media that says, ‘We are here, We are only here until six though, because we have a sitter.'” – Jon Stewart
“You may be asking yourself, but am I the right person to go to this rally? The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper, and pointing your car towards DC — that means I think you just might be right for it.” – Jon Stewart
“Shame on you Jon Stewart. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?” – Stephen Colbert
