Political Irony

“Well-known, veteran politicians were upended by candidates from the Tea Party. It was especially shocking because I’ve been to a lot of tea parties with my daughter and most of the people there are stuffed animals.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a great day for the members of the tea party. You know, the new political party that believes in … I don’t know.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former New York Congressman Rick Lazio was beaten by an unknown businessman named Carl Paladino, whose achievements include comparing a Jewish assembly speaker to Hitler unfavorably, endorsing a plan to turn prisons into dorms to teach welfare recipients about hygiene, and he’s also known for forwarding racist joke emails and videos of a woman having sex with a horse to his friends. Like Lincoln never emailed his friends a video of a woman having sex with a horse!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she’s gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O’Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she’s against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well.” – Jay Leno

“She’s also against masturbation. I’m afraid you lost me now, lady. If she wants to win this November, she may have to change that position.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I’ll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I’ll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I’ll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that’s where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government’s. So listen up, Christine O’Donnell — and Rosie O’Donnell too while we’re at it — we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O’Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there.” – Jay Leno

“Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn’t been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes. ” – Jay Leno

“Nancy Pelosi’s Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier.” – Jay Leno