“Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they’re like, ‘The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he’d hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It’s like waiting for the next Harry Potter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle.” – Craig Ferguson
“It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it’s not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan.” –Craig Ferguson
“WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: ‘Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with.'” – Jay Leno
“The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.” – David Letterman
“Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren’t supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked.” – Craig Ferguson
“There were reports over the weekend that BP’s CEO Tony Hayward could resign within the next two days. Two days. Of course, in BP time, that’s like six months.” – Jimmy Fallon
“BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They’re negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that’ll teach him.” – David Letterman
“BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back.” – Jay Leno
“Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they’re not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That’s what screwed up Toyota.” – Jay Leno
“A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that’s a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, ‘Now you know how we feel.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it’s time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House’s accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.” – Jay Leno
“Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
