“Apparently BP’s containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, ‘Aren’t there any more Mel Gibson tapes?'” – Craig Ferguson
“All of Mel Gibson’s troubles could have been avoided if he’d just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.” – Jay Leno
“It’s so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the ‘Iced Tea Party.'” – David Letterman
“Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, ‘That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.” – Jay Leno
“The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in ‘Wicked,’ then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp, because whenever they make s’mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins.” – Jimmy Fallon
