“Congressmen have been saying from the beginning that BP is either lying or grossly incompetent. Well, why can’t we have both?” – David Letterman
“The Coast Guard found a drunk man on a pool float yesterday after he drifted a mile out into the Gulf of Mexico. Authorities called the guy ‘irresponsible,’ while BP called him ‘our best hope.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is in a tough spot because he fired Gen. McChrystal and right away the Republicans blamed him for increasing unemployment.” – David Letterman
“Well, folks, you knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable. It happened today. General Stanley McChrystal cancelled his subscription to Rolling Stone.” – Jay Leno
“As you know by now, General McChrystal was summoned to the White House to explain derogatory comments he made about meeting President Obama. He told Rolling Stone magazine, when he first met the President, it felt like a ten-minute photo op, to which Joe Biden said, ‘Wow, you got ten minutes! What was it like?'” – Jay Leno
“And it doesn’t stop there. After the Rolling Stone incident, today, Obama summoned Justin Bieber to the White House for some comments he made about the President in the latest issue of Tiger Beat magazine.” – Jay Leno
“The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it’s going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mexico has filed a brief in U.S. Federal court to stop Arizona’s new immigration law. And while they’re at it, they also asked the court to stop Taco Bell from calling itself Mexican food.” – Jay Leno
“It’s a great day for former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He’s getting his own talk show. They wanted him because they knew he could get the most out of an hour.” – Craig Ferguson
“The new show will focus on politics and special events and everything else Spitzer wasn’t doing in office.” – Craig Ferguson
“The iPhone 4 is $499 to buy outright, $199 to upgrade your existing iPhone, and if you don’t want one at all, it’s $99.” – Jimmy Kimmel
