“President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball.” – David Letterman
“President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, ‘Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This spill makes the Exxon Valdez look like a leaky juice box.” – Craig Ferguson
“While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don’t believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He’ll tell you.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” – Jay Leno
“Oh, and the heads of the five families — we call them ‘oil companies’ — testified before Congress today. It was billed as ‘the tarballs versus the slimeballs.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they’ve never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.” – Jay Leno
“You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.” – Jay Leno
“I’m sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president’s speech about the gulf oil spill. Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he’s been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it’s the same book President Bush used for Katrina.” – Craig Ferguson
“You know it’s a real catastrophe when our biggest hope is Kevin Costner. I’m not kidding. Costner spent millions of his own money to develop a water-cleaning system that soaks up oil-tainted water and spins it around and pumps out pure water at the other end. Director James Cameron is also helping out. He offered up his fleet of private submarines. If he’s serious about cleaning up the spill, why doesn’t he soak it up with his ‘Avatar’ money?” – Craig Ferguson
“Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, ‘If you build it and there’s a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, here’s an amazing story. A 52-year-old construction worker — a guy from right here in California — was arrested in Pakistan today, armed with a pistol and a 40-inch sword. He said he was on a mission to capture Osama bin Laden. Hey, at least somebody’s looking for the guy. Give him credit.” – Jay Leno
“Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here’s the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don’t have to invade again.” – Jay Leno
“And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn’t that the plot of ‘Avatar’?” – Jay Leno
