“There is good news! BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.” – Bill Maher
“Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full.” – David Letterman
“There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.” – Bill Maher
“A review of BP’s 582-page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. BP listed their lead drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.” – Jay Leno
“BP’s stock has dropped 51 percent since the oil spill. Now that they’re leaking money like they’re leaking oil, maybe they’ll get up and do something about it.” – Jay Leno
“Certainly there’s no good news for Gulf business owners. They’ve been trying to get BP to process their claims. BP today said that they’re on the way. These are the two big lies in life, remember? The check is in the mail, and I won’t spurt in your gulf.” – Bill Maher
“A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward next week. Obama plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obama for an update on the spill.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren’t sexy anymore.” – Bill Maher
“The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf.” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden’s looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, ‘foosball re-enactments.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Brazilian referees for tomorrow’s U.S.-England game have been studying English swear words to make sure the players don’t curse. Because if there’s one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can’t stand, it’s naughty language.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The U.S. will face England in the World Cup, and the U.S. ambassador and the U.K. ambassador have made a friendly wager on the game. If England wins, we have to buy their ambassador tea and crumpets, and if we win, they have to buy us a new ocean.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s a great day for the world, as the World Cup begins. On behalf of all Americans, I’d like to say, ‘Eh.'” – Craig Ferguson
“They got Helen Thomas on tape saying the Jews should get out of Palestine. Yeah, not good, she had to quit. On the bright side, Hezbollah Magazine put her on the cover of their ‘Women We Love’ issue.” – Bill Maher
“This week we had primaries and they say this is ‘The Year of the Woman.’ The women dominated. As opposed to the last election cycle, which was ‘The Year of the Closeted Gay Republican.'” – Bill Maher
“Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to the governor nominee from the Republican side. She’s the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want.” – Bill Maher
“John McCain is in love with Snooki – Snooki, you know, from Jersey Shore. Snooki was complaining in her Tweets that she does not like being taxed, as the Obama health care plan does, on her tanning bed. And McCain Tweeted back, ‘I would never tax your tanning bed.’ I think this is so sweet. She has a new best friend, he has his next vice president.” – Bill Maher
