“Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster.” – Jay Leno
“BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason.” – Jay Leno
“She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ unavailable?” – Jay Leno
“Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators.” – Jay Leno
“Ladies and gentlemen, this week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did.” – David Letterman
“The White House is backing a new plan to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, ‘Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them.” – Jay Leno
“In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? ‘Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'” – Jay Leno
“I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, ‘Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'” – Jimmy Fallon
