“Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it.” – Jay Leno
“This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, ‘Lost,’ that’s gone. ‘Law & Order,’ wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.” – David Letterman
“It’s pretty hard for fans of ‘Lost’ now that it’s finally over. If people want to get their fix, they’ll have to follow that other group that’s lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP.” – Jimmy Fallon
“British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don’t have that problem with the mob.” – David Letterman
“John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he’s had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War.” –David Letterman
“Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn’t seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.” – Jay Leno
“And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.” – Jay Leno
“Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It’s so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there’s a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge.” – Jay Leno
“You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: ‘Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.’ Then the prison guards took him away.” – David Letterman
“At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, ‘How do I get off this sinking ship?'” – Jay Leno
“And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?” – Jay Leno
“Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona’s new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.” – Jay Leno
“Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, ‘Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.” – Jimmy Fallon
